6 days

It was Sunday - Stake Conference - so church was only 2 hours long and we all met together (like 6+ ward buildings together) - for those who don't know the LDS lingo. It centered around the importance of family and the temple and the testimony of what it means to belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So refreshing and wonderful to know that the last time I went to the temple was yesterday and that I am getting married this weekend. I think I am on the right course. Soo many good/amazing things happening. Once upon a time, I wasn't sure if I would ever be cool enough.

Speaking of cool enough, I can't cook meat.

Apparently Eric and I {yes I'm including you Eric} fail at "cooking" meat. Maybe I like it rare and raw. Just maybe I'm like that.  I'll forever live off a crock pot. Leave it to me to screw that up.

We also attended the Jon Schmidt concert at the DC Temple, Visitor's Center. It was AWESOME. Apparently everyone else knew it would be and it was already so crowded 40 minutes prior to his first note {it's just known that we get started late what ever the function may be, so the fact that people got there early is itself a standing ovation}.

It's freezing and the worst thing is getting into my freezing car in the mornings, but the fall colors are still surrounding us and I get to forget it all this weekend with weather in the 70s. Oh man, so excited.

Eric is trying to organize our small apartment and I think I prefer to just sit there and listen to him ask "what about here?" - "what if we move this there?" - "stack these here?"  How about I freak out when he wants to stack plastic containers to the ceiling in our bedroom, but for the most part, I just let him organize. I may reorganize it all again once I'm there. hahahaha oh man. This is so true.

9 days

I feel obligated to do a count down, not because I want to waste away my single days, but just to enjoy every last bit of this blog.

You know what I wish? That I tried to be a nurse or at least take science classes. I am so one of those google self diagnose-ers, it's horrible. I wish I had some validity to my justifications. Whatever, I'll just say I'm right. I am now thinking I have allergies. I just have no idea what my body is freakin out at. The doxycycline I was on for 5 days? Perfume? Winter pollen? Not sure what else is new in my life.

Any way - when I'm not on a eye swelling/nose itching twitch - all is good. Work is throwing me a dinner party tonight at Maggianos (sp?). I'm actually very excited about the menu and I'm thinking I can taste it now. Eric is bailing for class. He knows I love being the center of attention. We're already one. I'm representing him at social functions. Great.

So on that note, I'll go for the food and casual conversation. I'm almost done reading The Help, okay not really. A 530 page book, two evenings and I'm only on page 204. Two evenings and Eric finished a 900 page book. He thinks/reads faster than I do. I tell him he has the gift of speed read. Good thing we'll know what we can still do when we're 80 and immobile. Eric will perfect tying knots in a circle. I'll read and tell him to put the rope down =) PS - It's a good story. PPS I'm not saying Eric would ever be suicidal nor would I make make light of a serious topic, okay I may do the latter.

And to that end! I will stop whining about all my imperfections.  Apparently it's really hard for me to focus on the things that are right. There are so many wrong things that preoccupy my mind. Maybe one day I'll do something about that =)

Love Always,
Kay

I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done. - Henry Ford

I appreciate you few who try to catch up on my life and, to Eric's dismay, his life. Cause we all know I  have to mention him in some way. He's only about 90% of my free time. I don't know if he likes it that way, but I much prefer it. 

So the parents are coming into town and I get to see Rand for the first time in two years. So that's just freakin fantastic.  Eric moved into our apartment last weekend and I'm slowly moving in stuff. It's hit or miss on our luck, but at least we have new carpet and everything is clean. The kitchen may be super tiny, but it's a challenge I will at least attempt. The $15 craigslist microwave may heat up like the morning sun and our eating area may consist of a night stand and pillows BUT HEY it's temporary.  We just found a $10 table!! I still have to work tomorrow and Eric has a midterm (for once he is studying - I know I'm shocked too) BUT Friday is when I go through the temple and I can't believe it's already here. 

The concept of time truly does baffle me. And the greatness of truth is always astounding. I don't claim to know a lot of things, but truth in this life is found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You just have to seek for the knowledge and find that peace within your heart and mind. It will come to those who truly want to know. 

Also - coming soon . . . 3 photoshoots! all before the wedding!

The Accomplisher

It is seriously so difficult to keep up with this. I FEEL LIKE THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON. but of course nothing I can't handle and of course it is like minimal next to the average human. I am just above the couch potato I am sure. so now that I have humbly downplayed my life... I will continue on.

I did manage a 25.6 mile bike ride on my Labor Day off slash on because let's just get one thing straight, unlike Eric, to the normal pathetic-but-at-least-we-try population, THAT IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT. So I give myself 5 points for not just falling off my bike and blaming it on another earthquake as my body goes into short spasms on the concrete. **for the record he was proud of me.

It's the day after and my butt bones kill. I expect the rest of my muscles who-knew-I-had will all congregate tomorrow and decide to play dead. Good thing my job is designed for lazy people who sit in a cube and press letters.

Announcements are coming together. It has become one of those projects that I never wish to see again. I can't see it as beautiful because I've picked it apart a bazillion and one times and I'm just over it now.

(Side note: my roommate may or may not have just come out of the bathroom and luckily it's right across the hall - a mix of freshener spray & nasty stank is now making it's way OH MY GOSH SHORT LITTLE BREATHES CAN'T EVEN HIDE IT baaarffing now)

Back to wedding stuff... so yeah pictures this weekend. May turn out to be like hell on earth, but Eric is learning a lot of patience and he's actually good at doing things he puts his mind too. He's happy with the old one because he looks hotter than me. Obviously, this cannot go down. Beauty is natural - I just have to keep telling myself this.

I feel like in some ways I should do a DIY wedding How-To but for real women who are not high maintenance or who do care about their life after the wedding (I'm slowly convincing the world they want to be just like me), not a 15k or even 10k budget. Less people...less. And I may or may not still be concerned that we can fit enough people at the reception center... Some people just don't get to see our first dance - nbd. I am opinionated, don't get this mixed with high maintenance; I also can make anything work (or try giving it to Eric), but I just freak out about picking the best option. It's why I take 10 years to shop and I get everyone else's opinion, and blah blah blah. I feel like the bride is the only one who actually cares about the decision process. Everyone else just wants the decision made, the check paid, and none of them freakin care by the time it's all over. That's how weddings get. And that's why everyone will tell you to elope. It doesn't matter who thinks it's cute, someone else will think it's ugly and then you're left unsettled and indecisive.

My advice? Don't worry about being a people pleaser. Delegate to who's good at what. Give them the perimeters and just worry about what's most important, i.e. making yourself look hot, making sure you have an apartment to move into, and the ceremony. I mean set up the photographer, pick out your cake, and enjoy the honeymoon. People may talk about what they thought and blah blah blah - if they want to be brats, they will be no matter what.

Oh yeah baby. 60 days and it's wedding time.

Check Please

I want to be done.

Mostly because I am lazy yet still want everything I do

to be perfect of course.

My throat is dry because I never drink enough water.

My stomach is crying for food because I am stressed and not eating.

No, I don't really have a good reason to be stressed,

but I think I can no longer eat yogurt.

Sometimes I just want to leave the sentence

without correct punctuation,

but the world won't let me.

and they judge too and to, threw and through.

I was hoping my road bike would come today, but alas, only the rain.

Chin up dear,

Much love.

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." - Oscar Wilde

Success

Tonight: it was the fact that I found exactly what I was looking for at the store. People loved my cookies. Dinner tasted great and was super easy to make. I am actually 10 steps closer to getting a new/a bike, which has been on my list of purchases for quite some time. I have not only lunch for tomorrow, but dinner. I have time to read and go to bed.

Life is good.

(I was almost done when I realized I forgot to take a picture)

a firefly tapped on my window

And so begins a summer against the eastern winds. I love the heat. I mean when my hair frizzes to the max and my body sweats from stepping into my car, it just rocks my world let me tell ya.

Actually, I really do like the heat. But I'd rather sweat running or never, and have perfectly smooth hair - always. It's a shame I cannot control everything about my imperfect life.

I have two weddings for the photo biz in the next few months. One in July and the other in September... so that's exciting. Then hopefully I am going to a wedding for my bestie EMILY KISER SMITH August 20th in Portland! Crazy times ahead!

So far I've checked 3 things off my 'DC To Do List', namely: Union Station, Botanical Gardens, and kayaking the Potomac. I met up with a few of my friends for a celebration of Rachel Johnson's birthday weekend extravaganza. It was awesome and the perfect little date - at least in my opinion, even when my date decides to analyze case studies instead. I feel muscles I have never felt before. weird. Honey, we are going to do this, don't worry.

Other accomplishments for the weekend:

I switched out the toilet seats. It only took me like an hour because the screwing out the screws took too long, then the plastic twisty needed to be cut down so it would fit on the toilet and blah blah blah. End of the story: The crappy one is now a pristine, white top that if roommates dirty they can clearly see. I feel better about my life, except it just means I now have to clean the toilet seat every time I use it. I hope this is not my preparation for marriage.

I did all of my laundry and have two bags of clothes I can now get rid of. Yes, I should still downsize a little bit more. Organization will occur in the coming months.

I practiced the guitar, once.

Socialized in a group setting for longer than 20 minutes. What an accomplishment, seriously. We all know that's hard for me. Yeah, I don't understand my problem either.

Yeah... that's about it. Went to church, played with friends, and held your hand. It was good enough for me. Everything else is icing on the cake =)

Who News

I don't even know where to begin. First, it was just about poor people and how to give aid to them. They talked about poverty in a way I haven't thought about it, so I am interested in reading the book. Surely, just one more book on how to cure world hunger and disease; I am not so naive, just interested. I mean it's the dream for us wealthy white people to go into third world countries and save lives, because poverty does not exist in our own backyard. We (as if I'm rich), but comparatively, I might as well have Franklins blowin' out of my pockets.

Then there are trash, southern trash who eat armadillo and have the chance of getting leprosy. I mean, really people? 1. I thought they were purely roadkill that made me want to gag. 2) I thought leprosy was lost once the apostasy hit. Who knew 50-80 people get it from eating armadillo. Who knew. And if that's not disturbing let's read about how straight up humans allow Satan to take over their soul: "Plot to Kill Teen"

Let's add a few tornadoes and life shattering earthquakes and call it the Second Coming. I shouldn't make light of devastation; I really don't mean to. However, I don't see it getting easier. Disclaimer: the righteous need not fear.

So in other news, Kayla went on a run today.

She also discovered mapmyrun.com (and how awesome it is to talk in third person), which is marvelous. However, not until after my 25 minute run/10 minute walk did I realize that I got a meager 2.15 miles. A few months ago I did 6 miles, but I wonder if that was 2 hours and I just had no idea. Sigh. I'll let you know how it continues on; it has to go up from here. I mean I am the most pathetic runner; I can raise my hand no problem. The thing is, I immediately feel like I haven't had water for days and my lips might as well kiss the dessert sun. I feel obligated to tell my lungs to breathe, I've got snot draining from my sinuses; my right leg all of a sudden seems significantly longer; my side cramps from dehydration and then bad posture comes; I can barely see at night without my glasses; my ankles swell because the shoes I wore back in my sophomore year of high school are pathetic (when I was a size 2 and hated running because I wanted boobs so bad); I mean really, pity me yet? Hey, it takes a lot to get this pathetic. Here is the song: Marching On

However, put me in the ghetto where I fear I'll get raped or get a dog barking, and I won't stop running. I just tell myself I'm fat (where did these stretch marks come from!) and that awesome self esteem just boosts up my energy levels. So ya know, that's cool. Oh hey summer - it's going to be awesome.

Just for the record babe, I'm not depressed. And I'm actually not that pathetic. I embellish in slight exaggeration from time to time in the art of story telling.

life is not updated

To come:

A story about Liz and a dead fish

Pictures from the cabin get-a-way

My chosen conference talk.

Ohh soo much to tell you...

and just for the record...this is why I take the pictures...

Just kidding, love. I get the point; I am white.

Become awesome

OH don't you fret... I made you some banana bread. Finally! I made it. And it was good, +/-. Better when I baked the leftover batch for seconds.

I give all the credit to chocolate and Abby.

Devon is also turning pretty darn old this weekend.

I'm sure half of the world can't even count to 23 - it's that high. I shouldn't mock that. It's a serious topic.

(for those who can't count)

Here she is, beautiful.

Along with my favorite photo of the night...

Because my other roommate named Rachel Johnson ...is so cool

I really wish this picture weren't so ugly.

You know what's awesome?

My life.

Sure, it could be cooler.

BUT I am always moving forward (not always - that is a complete lie - it only represents an ideal, and no, not lofty) and using what I have right now, because right now is just perfect - why you say? because I made it that way. Because we choose not to have everything right now. The human part of me whines at that reality. I want every gift right now. But alas, the wise person goes through the course of life and takes what comes and molds it into his being. And then, without even noticing, he becomes a man of high esteem and pertinent influence because he is not thinking of himself, only where he can put value in his time. But the man thinks he's simple and is just another wrinkle in time, and that's the beauty of it. Find good love and find your soul. Find love in friendships, in family, in neighbors, in enemies, in marriage, and in the single life.

We are all on this path we call life. And cheers, mate!

The flower blooms under the right conditions.

Having my window open for the wonderful drift of fresh spring air would be wonderful tonight except for this squeaky bird who deserves to be cocked off the branch.

1. To set the hammer of (a firearm) in a position ready for firing.

It's detrimental to my sanity.

I was trying to think of what to write about [Mom says I've been distracted]. What if I had my own column in the newspaper? What kind of thoughts would I put out there for the world to hear (let's pretend for a second I have the world at an ears distance). Today, some comedic relief? Today, religious insight? Today, informative business? Today, honest release? Today, philosophical ideas?

Humor cannot afford to leave my life. It's the only thing that keeps me sane - my ability to laugh at others and myself. Religion is my life and inseparable from my thoughts and actions (well I try at least). Some people still don't believe in God let alone understand their divine nature and purpose so the work cannot end there - ever. I love business; I can always vent some form of emotion, and I always have some sort of idea the worst publishers would roll their eyes at BUT I've decided tonight, I just want to tell you something simple.

*I have turned up the music so i don't have to hear the bird. Of course - the threshold of the music being too loud to counteract the bird is precarious.*

Can I be honest? (I know it's me, who am I kidding)

I'm 22, almost 23. I haven't changed much.

Case in point:

July 5, 2006 - "I have this tendency to know things, but over-analyze it or not say the basics. That's what happened today in Book of Mormon class when I got a 2/5 on the quiz. And the teacher said it stinks to have that negative feedback because people hearken on that missed question or points off. I totally do that."

Also,

April 15, 2007 - I feel obligated to want someone because people make me feel pressured to want that, as if I'm missing something without it, which can be true as well. Who knows... I just don't think the right guy has come along yet."

And...

April 27, 2007 - "It's all up to me now. Holy crap what am I going to do."

Any way, Elder Bednar doesn't think we ever go back through our writings. I have used mine often though. Maybe he forgets some people don't have a brain unless they have pen and paper. Some of us forget everything the time we walk out of the room. My brain must be big because so much gets lost or buried.

My journal is filled with a girl who was lost and confused. One who kept questioning the future and whether or not I was doing my best or doing enough (both inseparable). One day - on top of the world, and then the next - gloomy doomy.

I'm still that girl.

BUT my understanding is maturing as my faith has opened doors. It's about learning these repeated lessons of life at the perfect time. "We need to do all we can for God who is preserving each moment of our lives." I'm going to assume Nelson said that in the 2007 conference, and not me.

The church is true. I really want people to understand that. I guess I need to get better at explaining that, and even understanding it myself. There's more to this life. There's more order. There's more love. There's more happiness than what the world offers, and even what the little white church in the middle of Pickens County offers. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has the fullness, I know this.

The easier road is always to live within the world and avoid any type of inconvenience.

I'm simple. I want to serve where I can. I want to laugh at stupid things. I want to talk about the miracles of nature. I could be happy trying to find all the free things to do in town. I am happy making lists and checking them off. I like dry humor. I am not perfect and so far; I haven't come close.

The miracles in my life have been a paper that was pushed back or the fact that I have friends who like me. People have been miracles to me. I need people who make me question. I place myself around people who make me question life in good ways. This life is but a small moment. And it's not about what we tend to fret about. It's about giving everything to everyone else. No, you're right - that is not our natural instinct. In the flesh I am nothing, but to God I am everything and through Christ, we can become like Him.

I'm pretty sure that's scripture or something.

*yep, the bird is still chirping*

bbgun, sexy hair, and secrets.

There is this dog in the neighbor's yard that barks

ALL THE TIME

I seriously want to invest in a bbgun,

which I instantly feel bad about

half bad.

Side note: my hair is super smooth and soft right now.

I love going to bed - alone - with my sexy hair.

PPS. I am keeping a secret from you.

I have a dream - MLK

So I love 3 day weekends. I feel like I can accomplish so much in the beginning. Although I didn't complete everything I had hoped (there will never be enough hours in the day). I did have a few firsts.

1. Saw Burlesque. let the hormones begin. two of the cutest men on the planet and half naked, gorgeous women. Yes, I would be disappointed in every man who can admit to seeing it. To the women, we can excuse this sin.

2. Experienced asian karaoke, and I guess even my first karaoke bar. A big group of mormons at a bar doesn't last long, but asian karaoke? we were there to stay. Shania Twain. done.

3. First formal lunch and lamb. It's restaurant week and, although I never pay $20 for lunch, it was legit. Bombay Club. Indian food. I'd choose the chicken over the lamb. However, best sorbet everrrrr. Yes, when I realized my custard was not as imagined, I asked for an exchange. Yes, I was one of those people. =X

4. Bought my first Georgetown cupcake. Red velvet + hot chocolate = rockin. I should lay off sugar for awhile. Should. Somehow, it never escapes us around here.

The end.

Road trip to see Abby this weekend!

And just a side note. I'm sitting in my underwear typing this. My roommate caught me the other day. Then the other roommate comes in to laugh. Laugh it up. Just trying to keep it real.

Current Song: Nelly - Just a Dream

life is good.

I've cleaned

I've cooked
fruit. salad. no not fruitsalad.
I've cleaned again.

And now I'm going to the bookstore
In my new winter sweater and hair bun
trying to fit in with the sophisticated DC crowd.
"I'm an intellectual"
too bad everyone on this side of the tracks is LEP
It's two stories with comfy chairs
I STILL haven't finished Lord of the Flies
If I sip some hot chocolate I might be too much of a fantasy.

I leave my work at work.
My life is good.

Now I just wish I played the guitar and knew Spanish
so I am more well-rounded when hot suave French boy sits next to me

sigh. sip. sigh

Here are the pictures of my new house
yup. Just on the camera phone.

family room

Kitchen

My window

My house


For everything that is uncertain,
this is certain...
you have to make everywhere you are, home.
Who knows what will happen
and where life will take you,
but you have to like where you are right now
because if you don't,
what are you doing?

in this green chair

One of my roommates has a serious boyfriend
One already moved out & the other is with her family
So I have this cute house all to my lonesome self. I'm okay with that
Although, it would be a perfect time for...

Any way, I've got GAC turned up. Hosea open on the coffee table.
As well as the book "Lord of the Flies" still hoping to be read.
Just cleared out my gmail inbox and wrote my brother.
I would be in my underwear if it was my own green chair.
TMI - your fault for reading.

Every now and then I get really motivated.
I wish those moments came more often.
I love checking off a task list, but it's so easier just to
sit in this little green chair.

PS Faith Hill & Shania Twain are the examples of sexy women in my book.

my idols growing up.
I think I used to shy away from sexy - as a little girl I don't think you quite get it.
Shoot - I'm just now getting it. And to popular disbelief
You can still do it modestly; however it's fun to not like clothes either
*just behind closed doors*
Sometimes I wish I didn't have a conscience, but that's so human of me,
to want the easy way out.
It's not always a matter of what we want right now;
It's a matter of what we want in the future; it's called delayed gratification
I thought it would get easier with age; negatory

The mind is an amazing thing though.
(just as amazing as the body, guy, or more so)
Where does real motivation come from...
{I seriously love country music videos}
I know I should be motivated independently
It's what I'm having to learn and have been learning in all my singleness
I'm never COMPLETELY alone. I know God has blessed me with the ability
to do more because I have been given extra hands.
Motivation does come a lot faster and easier with a best friend.
Someone to work out with, to chat about the scriptures with, to cook with...
someone who is there to make you feel accountable.
I am active when I know someone depends on me.
o-m-g why don't I just get married already?!

I really hope that stands true when I accept the title of mother&wife
& I really want to marry someone who likes GAC too
I'm pretty sure that's why they say
it's the most important decision you'll make =)
*crossing fingers*
i.know.im.so.picky.mom.

PS Are you a fan of Kayla Nicole Photography on fb?
I decided I'd try to see how many fans I can get
before I invest anymore money in the process
So suggest to friends? thanks so much xoxo

Current Song: Tim McGraw "Please Remember Me"

go

It's midnight and I felt like my evening just flew by.

I have to work in the morning and I just realized

that is my new life

work

all

day.

Here is when prioritizing my time comes in

- gospel study

- exercise

- errands

- cooking

- photo projects

- chores

- social gatherings

- guitar practice

- reading

- service

- job training

- internet research

- chill time

I really hope I'm not tired in the morning

Cause I have to learn all these acroynms and systems

I hate job training

because you feel stupid and inadequate

why does the government have so many letters

ESS, CDCR, EDEN, POS, EASIE, CSPR, OSEP

and the list goes on and on

I can't wait until I can talk in code.

I love feeling smart.

PS I have two amazing brothers. I want to have another post to explain why they are so amazing. You can just take me word for it. Perhaps I will insert a couple of statements from Rand's letters.

Also, I am becoming more conscience of the way I never get to the point and leave it at that. So my new goal is to listen and ask more questions. I just hate leaving space for pauses. If you don't talk, I will (knowing full well that what I'm saying isn't even cool or important). I use to be really good at keeping things to myself. Why now do I feel the urge to say everything I think? Why do I feel like no one else talks? Maybe I don't pause enough.

...

GO

late bloomer

My bank account will be feeling sick this week.

But that's the reason for savings?

And the comfort of having a job... solidified next week.

so I found a house. then I found a job. now I have to find another house.

I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER JOB.

None of it is an "easy" process. I guess it can all be exciting

Forging my future. I get to choose my job, my house, who I date, what i do.

but there are a lot of "what ifs" in that and the options are WIDE

and for someone like me that is a struggle.

I wasn't born to do one thing I don't think, at least I haven't found it.

I have this whole week of vacation before I begin work

I won't get afternoons like this ever again - I feel like I'm wasting it.

Maybe it's okay to just lay here this once, listening to the radio

and chatting with friends pondering about the current situation.

You know how I like relating to and learning from a variety of different people...

sometimes as a curse unto myself. It just means I become a tease

from the goths to the gays. wamp wamp WHERE ARE YOU!?

haha - it's okay, I just kinda hate this filtering process sometimes.

And I like guy friends - but I realize it's almost impossible to have them.

Reality - it's always a tease game. If you really want them there,

you really want them or you're just needy and they satisfy you in some way.

So if I don't have that desire, and your stare isn't bringing me closer...

I'll make myself fade.

That's pessimistic - I'm all about keeping good connections and contacts

So we roll on....

And we just hope it's in the right direction.

It's so hard not to keep one finger in the past - holding that spot

being a late bloomer, I'm always having to catch up

Preparing myself for the anticipated future - that is the new goal

PS - good things from the week

1. organic jelly that is corn syrup free

2. My brother turns 16 today. I spent an hour opening every singing birthday card - twice. Just to buy a non singing birthday card =)

He really is the coolest person I know. I will be so protective of him when he starts dating, and he just hit that age - it's going to be so hard. But she is going to have to be cream of the crop to deserve the go ahead. He is my heart.

3. I love GPS

4. I used coupons for the first time at the grocery store

5. I danced around in my underwear

6. I own the perfect pair of jeans

the end to happiness as we know it.

Concert from last night: Karnivool

and Misery, by Maroon 5 is on the radio. I'm feeling it.

I'm Running But Where Am I Going?

So as I was doing my laundry early yesterday morning. I enjoyed watching the mothers and fathers walking the streets helping their children load their vehicles: the extensive process that moving out entails. I thought it was sweet. Families really are pretty cool, no matter how old you get, they're still good for something.

Then I wondered where my family was. geez mom and dad. You were just trying to keep me in shape by staying in Florida. My legs look great after going up and down three flights of stairs 50 billion times. No exaggeration. I totally counted.

Now I'm homeless and that feels weird. I realized I like having a place of comfort and familiarity. Safety and security is a natural desire I think. I am no vagabond. Nope, can't handle it.

I leave in...5 days. Everyone keeps telling me that's exciting. It hasn't hit me yet. It's still a little unreal. And I'm still freaking out that I have too much stuff or too less stuff. I hate packing.

Once upon a time...I was excited to move out. I was excited to pack and organize and clean things. I soon realized how ignorant I was...all too overwhelming, but somehow it's done. Check.
Just get me through the next 5 days. I want to live it up. Honestly, I'll probably miss spring time in Provo. I do like it here, although I can't wait for the experiences that lie ahead.

But here's what I call my current state of life: Flexible.

People ask me what I'm doing. There are options. Too many to remain objective. I'm going to take pictures tomorrow. All I want to do is enjoy the moments I have. O and write that stupid paper and take home test. Motivation=0.

PS I dropped my phone and it's pathetic now. I might be getting a new phone =/ We'll see if I want to cough up the money. And again, I'm a creature of habit and I'm slow. It would probably take me awhile to get used to a new phone. Ok I'm tired. I'm crashing in my old apartment. I still claim a little territory. Good memories I suppose.

Cheers to Life

Go back to my older posts. from 2008. those are better.
I don't know what's happening...I was on a roll for awhile...

Two days of finals left.
I'm wrapping up me senior year of college. woah.

God knows more than me.
duh.

However, how often do we forget that. I honestly could not have planned my most favorite moments of life. They just happen when I try to live and try to live right.

Sometimes I get discouraged and want to do more. I find myself wanting to live the experiences of others and I have to realize my life was meant to be different.

There are still great things to be had.

I think I mainly fear that I am not taking advantage of all the endless possibilities, but that can be overwhelming. That's where faith comes in, and I'm doing better.

Timing is another biggy. Why things happen when they do. I'm a believer in the reasons why we are at certain places at certain times. Sure, most of the time it's just whatever, but occasionally the Lord helps us meet the right people at the right time. Housing always has me worrying, and I still need to find a place to live; however, I never would have picked Alpine Court, BUT the people are amazing. And I have learned so much from just being here. Go figure this little blue hut would have taught me so much.

I was pondering in Sunday School about spiritual gifts. It again just reaveled how amazing God's plan truly is. We all have different talents and they are distributed in such a way that we need other people to develop our talents further. One person cannot serve alone. Okay, technically they can. But let's not get to the point of Mormon. The collective whole can lift up Zion's people. Your talent is not greater, even when it appears seemingly so. I think I tend to underestimate the Lord's potential for me. I don't have a lot of visible gifts, but the Lord works in mysterious ways. Only through His eyes could we see all. And we have the chance to develop others, with time. I can become a stronger person, and that's really cool.

And I like how we can't see everything. Mystery intrigues us all. Causes patience, sure, but it makes life interesting. I think it's amazing how God can change our eyes. You see one thing, and another person sees something else. For example, I think he's ugly and she thinks he's cute. So she dates him. perfect. You like dark chocolate, I hate it. you get to eat it all. perfect. Someone has to buy the smaller size and someone has to buy the larger size. I'm glad we're not clones. perfect.

There's a reason for it. I love it. I love to recognize such things.

This life really is so much fun. I can't wait until Wednesday. I enjoyed this semester, but I'm more thrilled that I can check it off and move onto something else. I like to keep moving.

And I want more surprises. Only good ones....of course.... =)
like non freaky library stalkers. you know who you are

Getting Older Body and Mind

I looked in the mirror the other day, and I noticed how I look older. It's weird. I'm not sure what to think of it. The body will do whatever it does, and I'm sure I'll slowly age in ways I don't desire, but I'll learn to embrace cellulite and wrinkles when they come. Moving on.

This week wasn't the best, but at the same time, it wasn't the worst. I pulled my first real all-nighter. Where I didn't sleep for 24 hours. The next night I got 5 hours, going to bed a 4 in the morning was an accomplishment.

I realized how easy it is to start lowering your standards. "I've had worse" is really not good enough. However, oddly enough it was like a rush. Something about being awake when everyone else was sleeping, about living when your body was telling you to crash.

I will not record what happened to me in this blog, however, my best friends know how no sleep works on your awareness capabilities. I forgot something pretty important. I still wonder how I managed to do that, but alas when your mind is preoccupied on 50 other things, the simple things become...less prevalent I suppose.

And something most random occurred later that day. It involved a boy in a suit, 20 minutes of fate, the library, and a "seriously?" Updates later...maybe

Today is Easter.

I'm sorry to say, it didn't even really hit me. Of course you can't always expect waking up with easter baskets and hunting for eggs with the cousins in the yard, but I still kinda missed it. I blame it on the busyness of school. Does homework consider holidays? Does homework consider my focus on Christ and family? No, no it does not...

Alas I know it's my fault. I should better manage my time. I used to be so good at it. But I also used to stress out a lot. And I prefer the more chilled me. It's great.

But getting older is shaping me. Getting older doesn't mean waking up for another day, although it has something to do with it. It means today or within the next hour, you have a new opportunity. You either make them, or they come to you. A good person works with both. And you learn, which means you'll probably make mistakes (saying the wrong thing etc...), but it expands your narrow world.

I'm still bad at timing. I'm still bad at communicating. But I'm really good at trying. I'm really good at caring. I'm really good at loving. Does that count? Kinda

My ignorance lies in the fact that I assume people think like me. I assume people can handle imperfection and get over it. Some, however, cannot.

I love being shaped. Because I can't wait to see what it's going to look like some day. As long as I focus on Christ's vision. As long as I allow myself to be perfected in Him.

O PS I went to General Conference for the first time. It was great =) The church is true. I love my family. I love my friends. I love the unlimited potential. I know there is a purpose.