where did I put the dang mirror

I'm sitting here wondering if the internet is a blessing or a curse. This concept of sharing information can be overwhelming from time to time. Have you seen all the self help and mommy blogs that exist? I feel like a new standard has been created for raising children/families, living your life and creating things. Thank you pinterest. Although I have new ideas and have no excuse for boredom, I may forever feel inadequate. Oh Google Reader . . .

So I think we have to balance our lives. I am very entertained by some peoples stories and ideas. I feel like I can grow from them.  I also feel like it's nice to catch up with close family and friends who live on the opposite side of the country. However, I don't want to live the life of anyone else - just me (is this true? yes. maybe, well for now we'll go with yes) and there may be a fine line. You don't want to get so caught up in creating something new that you forget what you have right now is perfect.

We were raised without the internet and look how awesome we turned out.

On another note, I am so proud of Eric. I'm very excited for our life together and although quite anxious, I know we'll figure everything out on our own time.

just like how to fit 140 people in a 100 max room. 

Sartorialist

sar·to·ri·al 

[sahr-tawr-ee-uh-l] adjective

1.of or pertaining to tailors or their trade: sartorial workmanship.

2.of or pertaining to clothing or style or manner of dress: sartorial splendor.

I came across this video and I feel like it encompasses how I sometimes feel as a photographer and what I would eventually like to achieve: the dauntless ability to capture a moment in the life of a complete stranger.

Run you flabby white girl - run.

I miss it. I think about running and biking, but then I come home and realize that it's not happening. I was already late from traffic. I am either running errands or starting dinner. And then before you know it, it's pitch black outside.

I don't even have kids yet. I will have to learn to wake up early, which would be a lot easier if I didn't want to stay up with Eric, but 7:30 AM is already wretched enough. Maybe that part will get easier once it's not a matter of us having to drive to each others places, but seriously, I just can't picture myself jumping out of bed and sprinting down the concrete. The only thing that gets me up sometimes is the fact that I have to pee.  I really can't wait to get into a routine - gosh darn it - I will make it happen. Right now, I feel like it's just go go go for the next . . . year. I'll start in January. Yeah!

Don't look at me with those *you're making excuses* eyes. I don't need that. I am very self aware. One day I won't be afraid to run in front of people. One day I will be able to run with Eric. One day I will have thighs that don't shake. *Purely vain reasons of course* minus the fact that I should be able to keep up with my lover, but maybe that's just pride. . .

inactive spectator

"You cannot be, I know, nor do I wish to see you, an inactive spectator....We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them." - Abigail Adams

Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm just under the heat of the Refiner's fire and my focus is just that... a calamity of restless desires to be something of surety and purity, yet here is the reality of my idle existence: failed attempts to create wonders that exist in more than a dream and an array of lackluster actions ever so present on my doorstep.

I also worry I am vain. Not so much

"oh look at me so pretty"

No, not that, but in other ways.

How do I change my mind? I'll ask God.

I should not care about how other people look. Nor should I comment. I should not care how I appear, nor should I comment. There goes half of my jokes.

Here's an interesting article I read last week:

Conscientious Habits.

Yay for risk adverse people.

But maybe I don't want to live to the end of the world.

Bike. Run. Guitar. Spanish. Be nice. Read. Cook. Scriptures. Conference Talks. Floss. Running Shoes. Crock Pot. Books. Food. 85-135mm. Photo Printer. Flip flops. Bed.

Current Status: Ready for change. It's coming. It's coming.

1000k - money buys me happiness.

It's a Sunday School lesson; the very last one.

baller

They (my parents) found you (bf), what can I say.

It was bound to happen.

Every bone aches because of the 2 hours of basketball this weekend. Yup, this is what happens when I don't do anything active outside of tie my shoes and carry the recycling to the curb. Remember that one time I attempted running and ended up at the swings in the park across the street? fond memories.

So without exercising appropriately for 2 weeks, my body aches. I hear it's worse to run 2 hours in one day than 30 minutes for 4 days. I don't care. I hate running. I'll start a new work out plan sooner than later. Just you wait, but not right now.

I made 12 points. Go me. Every time I yelled 'rebound' it magically went in; I might say I made more than I missed. Miracle? I noticed - gratitude book. Although I played a great game - don't get too cocky for me; they ended the game with 4 girls and they still won by 8ish points. I may have been obnoxious to the people who were taking the game seriously, but I'm sorry, it's girl's church ball - it's not serious. Anyone who has seen a game of girl church ball would quickly understand.

A couple of good blocks, and ya know what? I had fun. My team always does. Even though we lose... every time. We get better, and we have hope and we leave smiling. It's great. I love them. We get beat by women with children. That part is disappointing, but they still played college ball. I can't help that I fall over when they touch me.

I didn't sell my soul to basketball. Maybe God gave me the opportunity and potential, but eh, I never felt it in my bones. Tell me Kayla, what have you felt...

Oh dear. And here she sits, ready to read and fall fast asleep.

My little accomplishments:

1. made a real dinner and lunch for tomorrow

2. cleaned out the bad food from the fridge

3. updated the budget, and the predicted savings was less than the actual

4. visit taught-ish

5. finally mailed the letter to grandma

6. finished editing the engagement photos

7. commented in class

8. was nice when I didn't have to be

Reward?

a boy + me

living

What's next?

I probably should practice the guitar.

Otherwise Ben (not the bf) will continue to laugh at me.

or I could read a book this boy bought me

*smiley*

late bloomer

My bank account will be feeling sick this week.

But that's the reason for savings?

And the comfort of having a job... solidified next week.

so I found a house. then I found a job. now I have to find another house.

I HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER JOB.

None of it is an "easy" process. I guess it can all be exciting

Forging my future. I get to choose my job, my house, who I date, what i do.

but there are a lot of "what ifs" in that and the options are WIDE

and for someone like me that is a struggle.

I wasn't born to do one thing I don't think, at least I haven't found it.

I have this whole week of vacation before I begin work

I won't get afternoons like this ever again - I feel like I'm wasting it.

Maybe it's okay to just lay here this once, listening to the radio

and chatting with friends pondering about the current situation.

You know how I like relating to and learning from a variety of different people...

sometimes as a curse unto myself. It just means I become a tease

from the goths to the gays. wamp wamp WHERE ARE YOU!?

haha - it's okay, I just kinda hate this filtering process sometimes.

And I like guy friends - but I realize it's almost impossible to have them.

Reality - it's always a tease game. If you really want them there,

you really want them or you're just needy and they satisfy you in some way.

So if I don't have that desire, and your stare isn't bringing me closer...

I'll make myself fade.

That's pessimistic - I'm all about keeping good connections and contacts

So we roll on....

And we just hope it's in the right direction.

It's so hard not to keep one finger in the past - holding that spot

being a late bloomer, I'm always having to catch up

Preparing myself for the anticipated future - that is the new goal

PS - good things from the week

1. organic jelly that is corn syrup free

2. My brother turns 16 today. I spent an hour opening every singing birthday card - twice. Just to buy a non singing birthday card =)

He really is the coolest person I know. I will be so protective of him when he starts dating, and he just hit that age - it's going to be so hard. But she is going to have to be cream of the crop to deserve the go ahead. He is my heart.

3. I love GPS

4. I used coupons for the first time at the grocery store

5. I danced around in my underwear

6. I own the perfect pair of jeans

the end to happiness as we know it.

Concert from last night: Karnivool

and Misery, by Maroon 5 is on the radio. I'm feeling it.