I am looking for a lot of men who have an infinite capacity to not know what can't be done. - Henry Ford

I appreciate you few who try to catch up on my life and, to Eric's dismay, his life. Cause we all know I  have to mention him in some way. He's only about 90% of my free time. I don't know if he likes it that way, but I much prefer it. 

So the parents are coming into town and I get to see Rand for the first time in two years. So that's just freakin fantastic.  Eric moved into our apartment last weekend and I'm slowly moving in stuff. It's hit or miss on our luck, but at least we have new carpet and everything is clean. The kitchen may be super tiny, but it's a challenge I will at least attempt. The $15 craigslist microwave may heat up like the morning sun and our eating area may consist of a night stand and pillows BUT HEY it's temporary.  We just found a $10 table!! I still have to work tomorrow and Eric has a midterm (for once he is studying - I know I'm shocked too) BUT Friday is when I go through the temple and I can't believe it's already here. 

The concept of time truly does baffle me. And the greatness of truth is always astounding. I don't claim to know a lot of things, but truth in this life is found in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You just have to seek for the knowledge and find that peace within your heart and mind. It will come to those who truly want to know. 

Also - coming soon . . . 3 photoshoots! all before the wedding!

Love until it runs out and then you'll see that it never does.

So apparently I'm slacking these days. I feel like I write so many emails that the last thing I want to do is express more of my opinions (I know, weird right?). So even though I found my husband... (that will be weird to get used to)... there are still things to be said. There is no end to the madness.

Sometimes I want to talk about wedding ideas and other days I don't even want to mention the word. It's so easy to get caught up on planning the details that we forget the larger concept, i.e. committing your soul eternally. It's a big step we have waited for our entire life (23 is so old o.m.g), and then once that day comes, we fight trying to understand that step our entire life.

I say November 5th and people follow it up with "this November?!" Yup.

I can say it slower if that helps solidify things.

So because I am not turning this into a wedding blog, I will just keep up with the little black book appeal. I actually have one, and I love it. Lots of random notes. Here is some excerpts from last Sunday. The topic was on divine worth and self esteem (I don't actually ever like talking to girls about this topic - I think because girls become emotional and I don't do well with emotional girls).

"The Lord wants to make sure no one is forgotten. In those moments where you feel alone, the Lord is standing there waiting or even perhaps, already holding you. At times - all the time - we must learn that we cannot turn to the world for our sense of worth. You are a soul sent here to live and return again faithfully. The hard part here is understanding an abstract concept. We know it, but knowledge was initially removed and we have to search and act in specific ways to get it back. We can talk about who Christ was, but you have to decide how real He is and how real our purpose is.

We have our time and our potential defined in Christ's mission for us. Keep doing good things and you will be guided in the right direction. We will find what real happiness is and the judgments of others and the comparisons won't matter.

I don't think we have to know our purpose yet. I think if you think you know you're probably wrong. We limit ourselves too much, surely the Lord has more in store. We aren't perfect so we think we fail. We don't think trying to do good and learning something new is significant enough. The thing is, we give up too soon with that attitude.

I do believe we are the steward of our own happiness. There will always be flaws in yourself and others. Learn to love them any way and focus not on yourself and not just on others, but what you can do for others. Sometimes, that's educating yourself so that you can teach. Sometimes that's reaching out instead of reaching in. We can look more to the sunrises and the sunsets and believe in something greater. Your purpose is different from anyone else, so don't compare. Keep your own trials and learn everything you can.

This life is too short to think you can do it tomorrow, but too long to think it's too late. Take hold of your own attitude. Love until it runs out and then you'll see that it never does."

Faith

"Do what you can with what you've got wherever you are."

- Theodore Roosevelt

The day you think you are safe is the day you realize you suck. You are tried to test your faith. Satan wants you to doubt. We cannot afford that unstable ground. We must use this moment to embrace our Savior. To counteract Satan's temptations with stronger faith and stronger love is to have succeeded.

First move to prayer, not doubt. Next seek the words of God - not the words of the world. Next seek service and the love of our fellowmen because that places us in the presence of God's spirit. Where is home and where is safety? It's in the arms of our Savior. This can be the warm comfort of peace, the arms of a lover, or and old/new best friend.

"Tomorrow is often times the busiest day of the week" - Spanish Proverb

We don't go on many double dates. None...actually. So we have to crop each other into the pictures. We're so cool like that. Oh wait - we've been on twoish dd's. We still have friends. Maybe we don't appreciate the single scene like we should. Nawwww

I love fruit.

Happy 4th of July! Yeah, I know...so in the past. I don't know how people have time to update their blog on time. Why am I always playing catch up? I think I'll take that question to the grave.

I also checked one more thing off my list this weekend: Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception--the largest Catholic Church in the nation. I still prefer the National Cathedral for architectural reasons, but this was stately and pretty impressive.

a Jew?

Sometimes I find it difficult to learn everything about my own religion let alone study the beliefs, practices, and understandings of others. I must admit my knowledge of others is very limited. However, I think most religions have a lot more in common than we tend to realize. These days, seeing someone devout to any religion is refreshing. A man putting himself closer to the Lord is better off from the man finding refuge within the world of instant pleasure and indifference. Surely there is no protection from the pains of mortality and no hope of an eternal future when we're living off the limitations of man alone.

that being said

The power of the priesthood, the power to act in the name of Christ, is ordained under one head. Only one church has that true and living line of power. God has a plan that his son, our Savior, fulfilled. We now have choice and a way to return. It is organized and it is complete. God is a man of order and, therefore, not a creator of multiple churches and religions. Truth is solo. Partial truths can only get us so far.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the true church on the earth today, regardless of those who decide to accept and fully understand its principles. It's our charge to discover and come unto Christ. It's our charge to really seek answers. Those few will find Him and will do anything to bind themselves to Him eternally.

1 Nephi 10:19

For he that diligently seeketh shall find; and the mysteries of God shall be unfolded unto them, by the power of the Holy Ghost, as well in these times as in time of old, and as well in times of old as in times to come; wherefore, the course of the Lord is one eternal round.

be grateful and desire good things so that you become someone great

Sometimes if we don't write things down, we forget. And the Lord didn't give us experiences and blessings so that we can forget. It's like taking all the credit for all your blessings; someone once told me that they also take credit for all the bad things so it's okay. False. Did you give birth to yourself? Give credit where credit is due. Thank God for parents who gave you life. Thank God for your physical body you were sent here to gain and protect. Thank God for giving you trials that allow you to grow and strengthen your stride. Thank God for the chance to feel love. Thank God for everything.

Even if you don't feel love, you always have that option. A Savior was part of His plan. Christ was it from the beginning. He was the strongest example. I am grateful for strong examples. The power rests within us because it's a gift. Whether or not you have the light of Christ and the manifestations of the Spirit from time to time, or whether or not you live your life under the covenant of baptism where you have it with you at all times, we are directed. Whether or not we listen and take heed is another story. We end up making choices, and good for us, but that choice is a gift. And the blessings are rewarded accordingly. All is fair in the knowledge of God. He can do what he wishes to will, but he will not recede our choice.

I think it's wise to pray to be aware of the spirit teaching you. I think it can be difficult to master how we can receive revelation, but I know all good things come from God and we will have those moments, mostly small, and some large, where we must adhere to the promptings. Even when you think you're crazy. Even when you have no clue if you did anything significant. I think the world could use a little more people trying to do what is right.

For example.

I saved half of my lunch instead of being a pig the other day. I thought I could save it for later, but I also had the idea of giving it to a person on the sidewalk if the opportunity arose. Thinking back to a time where I admired a friend for doing the same, I've always wanted to make sure I was that person. So after several blocks a woman came up to me and asked if I had any food on me. Without even thinking I smiled, said yes and gave her the bag. I don't believe she even said thank you, but I think she was just shocked. I hope she ate it, but ya know, that doesn't matter. The Lord provided her with a way to eat lunch that day, even if she still had a long way to go before she would not have to beg for food any longer. Maybe the fact that I was nice, or someone on the sidewalk saw it and it changed them. Who knows, and again, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I was prepared to help those in need. Even when not seemingly grand; a used lunch - woopdie do.

For example.

I am not the best at going out of my way to talk to people, so when I do, I know the Lord is using me in a way that is more purposeful. There is reason. So I turned around to this girl this one time at institute. I had not seen her before, but that was the case with half of the room. I introduced myself and actually end up giving her my number at the end of the conversation, just naturally. No, that normally doesn't happen. I hadn't thought much about that incident from 5 months ago, but apparently she did. I got a call from her asking if she could get a ride to church, thinking I probably didn't remember her, but it all came back (but she was right at first -I had forgotten - I didn't get her number). I took her to church today and she's awesome. She said she started going to her mom's ward because she never felt really welcomed or like she belonged. I related to her and told her how I had to overcome that. She said I was the only girl she knew, and I also told her how we can overcome that. God wanted her to know she wasn't alone. Why me? I just happened to pick the seat in front of her. I think God was glad he could count on me and not resort to a back up plan.

Another explanation.

Some may know me as being indecisive. So anytime I have this feeling of surety and comfort - I run with it. I did this with my decision to attend BYU, with my decision to move to DC, and my decision in who I dated. Those are all slightly larger decisions, all of which were confirmed in my mind. I had to think about them; I had to do things to make sure I was prepared to make those decisions, but I was guided to them and am still making sure I am doing what I can to make sense of them. I don't know if I can just check things off; life is fluid. You must keep moving with the changes and seizing the opportunities that come, by being someone worthy and ready for them, but it's definitely easier knowing I have the full support of a Heavenly Father on my side. Someone knows me better than I know myself.

We all have certain traits and talents that lead us in different directions. This world would not be functional without people going after their desires. It's not selfish, hardly. Our desires can become selfish when we do it for the wrong reasons or give the credit to the wrong source. Good luck climbing out of that hole if you choose the latter. Satan will make it seem like it's the better route at first, but then you're stuck and you'll see how you forgot to listen to the right voice. It's always easier to prevent the spill in the first place than to clean it up later.

But you can always clean it up. This world would function better if people took more ownership for their spills instead of ignoring them or leaving them to someone else. {Hello foreclosure and healthcare debt, or roommate who never cleans up after herself}.

You are given more and more every time you exercise your faith and take action to the guidance of the Holy Ghost. Put your faith in the words of God, and your attitude will change, your desires will become righteous and you will find the purpose that you are looking for. I promise, all things will work together for your good.

I choose

As a person, I only like doing what I choose to do. It makes sense that Satan's plan would be horrible, i.e ball and chain. The unfortunate part is that he is still trying to prove us wrong. Disregard that this is coming from an indecisive person; I still like figuring it out. And what a blessing when you do! Don't worry, I am like 3% on the "understanding" spectrum.

So close, so close...

Become as a child: submissive, meek, humble, patient and full of love

It always goes back to those children's books that now we read and think 'how did we ever fall for this stuff'. A cow jumping over the moon doesn't make sense and neither does the woman who eats a fly. The personification of animals led me to believe my stuffed animals came alive when I wasn't watching. Life didn't have to make sense back then. We didn't have to ask where morality and immorality crossed. We never had to ask questions about how we take pride, but do not become prideful. Do I believe in human suffrage, but ignore the poor and needy? These were not questions we asked. In our minds, cows could jump over moons as easy as Mary Kate and Ashley Olson solved the crime before dinner time. That was real to us because reality wasn't defined. Up until they made us define it.

Now we take the scientific method and in less than a minute we can resolve any problem of a five year old. But let's not downplay the rightful emotions of a little girl who's being ignored on the playground or the little boy who they called chubs. We were resilient back then; however, each child received his own. We handled our trials of the time, and today, it is nothing less. We handle a reality we still want to ignore and still pretend doesn't exist. We don't understand reality like we assumed we one day would. All of a sudden, I'm still the awkward 14 year old who cares so much about being accepted, the six year old who was just told Santa Claus isn't real, or the twenty-one year old who didn't think she would have to start all over.

I'll still tell the same stories to my kids. And I can only hope that their imagination grows. It's not about what's impossible. It's building that idea that we make things possible. Today, we don't cancel out anything. We have faith in tomorrow and we take action today: to love, to cherish, and to will our strength to the Lord. In every touch - we touch softly. In every kiss- we kiss sweetly. In every laugh - we laugh longer. In every dream - we dream big.

Tonight, you're who I touch. Tonight, you're who I kiss. Tonight, you're the reason for my smile. Tonight, I dream of you.

return with honor

Satan uses self doubt against me. I know this, but I don't know if I always realized it as a tactic. I am fairly open and honest because I am confident in who I can become, but I stutter with who I am now. Self doubt causes fear and inaction - this I do know and have fought/have to continue fighting. At least I know who I can become.

I like the opinions of others, but over time, I have learned to take them with a grain of salt. People will always have opinions. The noise can be confusing - I have enough in my own head.

I finally finished the book, Outliers, and outside of the research and interesting stories, I mainly just enjoyed the overarching concept that genius is not genius alone, and is hardly genius at all. So much, aka everything, was aligned by God's plan (of course the book did not define the source). If Bill Gates was not prepared to create Microsoft, someone else would have. The difference between him and others is his opportunity and the genius in him was his ability to be prepared and take action.

We don't know when our time will be - to prove our preparation. And at the end of the day, what matters most is not the company you created, but the home you've built. It starts at home. Everything starts at home. The family is the very foundation for our eternal existence. The world is forgetting that. Time for people - parents as teachers, fathers as providers and mothers as nurturers - are missing.

You question intolerance, you question tolerance, you question stereotypes, you question inefficiency, you question safety, you question morality, etc... but it starts with us. Teach your children to work hard; teach your children to be accountable to God and their neighbor; teach kids to learn; teach kids that love is ever present; teach kids to act. You cannot teach them to be in the right place at the right time because we don't know what that is. We cannot predict those moments, but it is not fate and it is not chance if we have developed our skills and ventured to be proactive in what our time and circumstances have allowed. How do you teach them to follow their heart? You listen and you provide the best way you can. People have interests for a reason. We have desires for a reason. Again, we do not control the desires of others, but we definitely have an influence and your personal desires are completely under your control. They will see your desires.

"Pray about your feelings," she used to say. She taught her three children that we should pray to have the right kind of feelings about our experiences--positive or negative--and about the people we knew. If our feelings were right, we would be more likely to take right actions and to act for the right reasons." - Oaks, 1985

Sometimes, giving in to the little things appears to cause no harm, but here's the deal. When you deny yourself the influence of the Spirit of God, you deny yourself the truest asset to moral discernment and protection. We may lie to ourselves and to others if we say we are not amongst materialism, covetousness, anger, unforgiveness, lust, selfishness, and the disguise of righteousness.

Despair is not allowing yourself a way out.

Dear home, be a place of comfort, opportunity, and cheer. Home, be a place of love. Home, be a place for good desires to prosper.

"Let us remember that desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. In addition, it is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something, whether a true friend, a gifted teacher, or one who has qualified for eternal life." - Oaks 2011

That talk was my favorite from this past conference.

Kimball's formula for success

So I found my journal that I had to keep for my Marriage and Family class. I remember thinking I don't have much to write, but how glad I am that I did. It's always worth it. Words to remember and go back to are amazing. Take this exerpt. I mean... now I remember Pres. Kimball's formula for success in marriage:

2/11/2008

Today's lesson in M&F was on love. You can guess how much I loved that. I wrote down 3 key things (wait 4) which establish Kimball's formula for success:

1. Proper Approach: minimum = temple; it's important to recall other basic baselines (i.e. attitudes in callings and prophets) Also, just know what rules they grow up with so you know what to expect (i.e. soda, Sunday TV)

2. Selflessness

3. Continued Courting

4. Continued Living the Commandments

...less like a formula and more like guidelines BUT there you have it folks... success.

Now if I could just find that husband I misplaced somewhere...

No One is Left Behind

I can't let it in. It pains my head and forces my insides out.
It involves frustration and worry, to the point of tears and pain
But if we never felt inadequacy, doubt, or fear
we'd never understand the victory of reaching the top
Of laying out our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses... our passions
And taking that risk

Ah I never get it right on the first try. Yes I admit it
So will no one give me the chance now? Am I took much of a risk?
I stutter when I have something to lose
Am I not worth a try?
No. Because I am willing. I am willing to fall and learn.
Ah but if I had just said this...
shoulda coulda woulda will forever leave me desperate
Move on.
Because a person who has fallen, knows how to get back up
They know how to sucker the weak because they've been there too
Humility is a stab at pride and we never like imperfection
But the man I admired most was tried, ridiculed, misunderstood and mistreated
He didn't just fall below me. He fell below you, him, and her too.

So there is no shame in trying again. in laughing at a stubbed toe
People should understand it's not a game of I can beat you
But a game of when I am weak you can be my strength
When you are weak I can be your strength
And the world is lifted because no one is left behind.

Our strength comes when we realize we cannot do it alone
Do not fool yourself in thinking you're strong enough
Cause your biggest strength will come in knowing that you're weak
When you are okay with your imperfect self,
You will accept others. Have more love. Find joy in the little things.
And overcome everything that matters in the end.

A man is a joke when he looks at a person and sees no potential
God makes potential. And you are not God.

PS. I went to Salt Lake with Nancy this weekend and took some pictures. of course right?

Shadows Fade into the Light

For a second I stood on the sidewalk, unable to breathe. My pride was hurt, I felt helpless and I wanted to stop my world and just let it out...

But the world wouldn't stop for me. I prayed and in my heart asked the Lord to comfort me. It was one of those moments where I was humbled to remember I cannot do it on my own. I knew He felt my tears of hopelessness. I stopped focusing on the negative and stopped letting him win. I felt better...

and then I was reminded of the few people in my life that I don't have to explain myself to, who already understand, who don't judge me, who just love me. I am so blessed and I don't even realize it sometimes. We are so selfish at times.


It was something so small that turned my day around. It's amazing, through small and simple things. It's remarkable how powerful a proper perspective can change your life. When you're focused on the good, it's so much easier to get over the bad.

call it a lesson learned: enjoy the moment, you may fall, but pick yourself back up, He'll help. Forgive yourself. Find value in setting a higher standard for yourself.

Life isn't about being perfect on the first try. It's about finding joy in making yourself a better person one moment at a time.

the Maker's Hand

I take pictures because I love to capture the moments of beauty most of us walk past and forget about. When we capture the moment, we remember and when we remember, we realize we have everything worth living for. Beauty is created by God, the same Creator of Love. Life is simple when you look at the outside of a flower, a pebble on the shore, a smile of a child, but within those defining moments of beauty and love we find the detailed lines of the Maker's Hand. And those are not simple, nor plain, but undefined and certainly divine.

I love to walk and listen to the whistleing trees. I love to walk and see the sunlight peek through the leaves. I love to walk and feel the wind touch my skin. When I feel like life should be simple, as if one day my textbook will make sense, as if one day I can love again and be loved, as if one day I could dry my family's tears, as if one day I didn't think about the cost, or as if one day I can make a difference in the world...when I feel like life could be that simple, I realize the Maker's Hand and I understand everything, everything...is greater than my all. It's not that I am a dud, but there is a power beyond my best, a power above all the rest. So when I am weak, when I am down, when I am ready to kiss the ground.. the Lord steps in. I can only understand so much in this life. Whether or not I call it fate, misguided hope, unrelenting desire...it will work out in the end. If I follow the Maker's Hand. So it's not about black or white. It's about living right. I guess that's what i mean. I was never too good with words...one day we will all understand what He means. "only for a moment..." shall we live. we must live to love and love to live. cliche, but it's true. aint none of us make it out alive, so why fear that which is unknown to us. Why be in a rush to get done, when we don't even know what's done.