Having my window open for the wonderful drift of fresh spring air would be wonderful tonight except for this squeaky bird who deserves to be cocked off the branch.
1. To set the hammer of (a firearm) in a position ready for firing.
It's detrimental to my sanity.
I was trying to think of what to write about [Mom says I've been distracted]. What if I had my own column in the newspaper? What kind of thoughts would I put out there for the world to hear (let's pretend for a second I have the world at an ears distance). Today, some comedic relief? Today, religious insight? Today, informative business? Today, honest release? Today, philosophical ideas?
Humor cannot afford to leave my life. It's the only thing that keeps me sane - my ability to laugh at others and myself. Religion is my life and inseparable from my thoughts and actions (well I try at least). Some people still don't believe in God let alone understand their divine nature and purpose so the work cannot end there - ever. I love business; I can always vent some form of emotion, and I always have some sort of idea the worst publishers would roll their eyes at BUT I've decided tonight, I just want to tell you something simple.
*I have turned up the music so i don't have to hear the bird. Of course - the threshold of the music being too loud to counteract the bird is precarious.*
Can I be honest? (I know it's me, who am I kidding)
I'm 22, almost 23. I haven't changed much.
Case in point:
July 5, 2006 - "I have this tendency to know things, but over-analyze it or not say the basics. That's what happened today in Book of Mormon class when I got a 2/5 on the quiz. And the teacher said it stinks to have that negative feedback because people hearken on that missed question or points off. I totally do that."
Also,
April 15, 2007 - I feel obligated to want someone because people make me feel pressured to want that, as if I'm missing something without it, which can be true as well. Who knows... I just don't think the right guy has come along yet."
And...
April 27, 2007 - "It's all up to me now. Holy crap what am I going to do."
Any way, Elder Bednar doesn't think we ever go back through our writings. I have used mine often though. Maybe he forgets some people don't have a brain unless they have pen and paper. Some of us forget everything the time we walk out of the room. My brain must be big because so much gets lost or buried.
My journal is filled with a girl who was lost and confused. One who kept questioning the future and whether or not I was doing my best or doing enough (both inseparable). One day - on top of the world, and then the next - gloomy doomy.
I'm still that girl.
BUT my understanding is maturing as my faith has opened doors. It's about learning these repeated lessons of life at the perfect time. "We need to do all we can for God who is preserving each moment of our lives." I'm going to assume Nelson said that in the 2007 conference, and not me.
The church is true. I really want people to understand that. I guess I need to get better at explaining that, and even understanding it myself. There's more to this life. There's more order. There's more love. There's more happiness than what the world offers, and even what the little white church in the middle of Pickens County offers. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has the fullness, I know this.
The easier road is always to live within the world and avoid any type of inconvenience.
I'm simple. I want to serve where I can. I want to laugh at stupid things. I want to talk about the miracles of nature. I could be happy trying to find all the free things to do in town. I am happy making lists and checking them off. I like dry humor. I am not perfect and so far; I haven't come close.
The miracles in my life have been a paper that was pushed back or the fact that I have friends who like me. People have been miracles to me. I need people who make me question. I place myself around people who make me question life in good ways. This life is but a small moment. And it's not about what we tend to fret about. It's about giving everything to everyone else. No, you're right - that is not our natural instinct. In the flesh I am nothing, but to God I am everything and through Christ, we can become like Him.
I'm pretty sure that's scripture or something.
*yep, the bird is still chirping*
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