3 days

I feel like I am waking up in a straight jacket. My tan walls are all bare in my small room. One last container holding my last few belongings. One last load of laundry and some base board cleaning and I am gone. My twin bed still needs a home, but outside of that and a few dangling hangers, I am moved out. Moved out and moving on. I totally feel like my mind and energy is in another place/point in time. It's increasing I think, my capacity to move forward - I am moving forward.

A year ago I didn't think this was possible. I had no idea what you looked like. I would dream of someone who shared a home with me. I could dream of our home and the things we would be doing, but I didn't see your face. It's weird to think you're him; how did you find me? We are so lucky.  You meet so many people in this world. One will become your eternal companion and it's the sweetest gift I've ever received - the chance to meet you.

In 3 days we will say yes. In three days we will walk out hand in hand as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. It's not about the name exactly. It's what taking on your name means. You are my shelter from the world. You and I will be bound to become one, spiritually. I am yours, forever.

PS to the 4th day

You know what's funny? When Eric can quote my blog 

and then I know I'm in trouble. 

"oh, so you read my blog today..."

I smile. He smiles and shakes his head.

I should be nice.

I don't want him to run away.

i-love-that-man.

Saying those types of things makes him shake his head

Babe, I'm shouting it to the world!

8 days

I am not really good with compliments/gifts/center of attention things. I don't ever really know how to react and I most always (I know that's contradicting) do the wrong thing, as in say everything but "thank you, you are so kind." 

Oh you think my hair is nice? "I didn't even do anything to it"; oh you got me a gift? "you did not need to spend money on me." you think I'm talented? "please, whatever."

It's just  . . . difficult for me to accept that someone was sincerely being nice; I am not discrediting you. I don't think it's my lack of confidence, or my thoughts that you don't mean that, it's just hard to hear it for some reason, yet you like to hear nice things from time to time? Oh the life of you-can-never-please-me.

MAYBE I'M JUST REALLY HUMBLE or maybe it's a form of pride.
weird irony?

I don't know why I always worry about people feeling obligated.  I guess you want people to think nice things, but it's more like you want to hear them inadvertently, maybe a card. Same with gifts, I love getting them in the mail, but I'm always afraid my reaction won't be satisfactory enough live. I'm just not one of those people.  It's like when people sing happy birthday to you; do you just stare at the cake till they are done? ugh. so awkward.

People know I don't just say thank you or give a compliment without actually meaning it, maybe because it's so rare, haha. Whatever. It's not, somehow I've managed to be pretty straight-up if people ask or I cower and run away before I'm forced to say something I don't really mean. I admire most people in all their efforts, but please, don't ask me if I like your photo.

So I am really excited we now have our nice pots and pans, as well as pyrex bakeware. Super nice of my coworkers, again, they shouldn't have, but I'm completely honored and excited to have them while at the same time being able to put the money we would have spent on them, elsewhere. 

We also received a waffle maker from the Osmond Family

And I was kinda excited about that. 

I told Eric I wonder if they receive lots of invites

and then feel obligated

of course I would think something like that.

Thank you everyone for your love, prayers, support and/or gifts/compliments.

The end

Love until it runs out and then you'll see that it never does.

So apparently I'm slacking these days. I feel like I write so many emails that the last thing I want to do is express more of my opinions (I know, weird right?). So even though I found my husband... (that will be weird to get used to)... there are still things to be said. There is no end to the madness.

Sometimes I want to talk about wedding ideas and other days I don't even want to mention the word. It's so easy to get caught up on planning the details that we forget the larger concept, i.e. committing your soul eternally. It's a big step we have waited for our entire life (23 is so old o.m.g), and then once that day comes, we fight trying to understand that step our entire life.

I say November 5th and people follow it up with "this November?!" Yup.

I can say it slower if that helps solidify things.

So because I am not turning this into a wedding blog, I will just keep up with the little black book appeal. I actually have one, and I love it. Lots of random notes. Here is some excerpts from last Sunday. The topic was on divine worth and self esteem (I don't actually ever like talking to girls about this topic - I think because girls become emotional and I don't do well with emotional girls).

"The Lord wants to make sure no one is forgotten. In those moments where you feel alone, the Lord is standing there waiting or even perhaps, already holding you. At times - all the time - we must learn that we cannot turn to the world for our sense of worth. You are a soul sent here to live and return again faithfully. The hard part here is understanding an abstract concept. We know it, but knowledge was initially removed and we have to search and act in specific ways to get it back. We can talk about who Christ was, but you have to decide how real He is and how real our purpose is.

We have our time and our potential defined in Christ's mission for us. Keep doing good things and you will be guided in the right direction. We will find what real happiness is and the judgments of others and the comparisons won't matter.

I don't think we have to know our purpose yet. I think if you think you know you're probably wrong. We limit ourselves too much, surely the Lord has more in store. We aren't perfect so we think we fail. We don't think trying to do good and learning something new is significant enough. The thing is, we give up too soon with that attitude.

I do believe we are the steward of our own happiness. There will always be flaws in yourself and others. Learn to love them any way and focus not on yourself and not just on others, but what you can do for others. Sometimes, that's educating yourself so that you can teach. Sometimes that's reaching out instead of reaching in. We can look more to the sunrises and the sunsets and believe in something greater. Your purpose is different from anyone else, so don't compare. Keep your own trials and learn everything you can.

This life is too short to think you can do it tomorrow, but too long to think it's too late. Take hold of your own attitude. Love until it runs out and then you'll see that it never does."

Kimball's formula for success

So I found my journal that I had to keep for my Marriage and Family class. I remember thinking I don't have much to write, but how glad I am that I did. It's always worth it. Words to remember and go back to are amazing. Take this exerpt. I mean... now I remember Pres. Kimball's formula for success in marriage:

2/11/2008

Today's lesson in M&F was on love. You can guess how much I loved that. I wrote down 3 key things (wait 4) which establish Kimball's formula for success:

1. Proper Approach: minimum = temple; it's important to recall other basic baselines (i.e. attitudes in callings and prophets) Also, just know what rules they grow up with so you know what to expect (i.e. soda, Sunday TV)

2. Selflessness

3. Continued Courting

4. Continued Living the Commandments

...less like a formula and more like guidelines BUT there you have it folks... success.

Now if I could just find that husband I misplaced somewhere...

It's fine.

I don't know how to say it. It's like cotton balls are drying up my throat. Please, stop shoving cotton balls in my throat; my mind takes no thought to my dry mouth. Maybe he can read my eyes.But we are saying goodbye. I am saying goodbye to those eyes. A little pride hates that you will stop caring, but I know you have to stop caring. Listen to me tell you - stop caring. I am running away now. I am gone. You really did look good tonight, but I can't take advantage of you like that. You deserve something so much better and that's why I'm telling you not to care. It's why I am running away with my heart. I am giving yours back. I don't deserve it. No, you were good. We had a shot. No regrets. We can't look back. I'm sorry I was awkward, if I was awkward, I still care. You can assume I don't if that helps. Don't miss me. Please, don't miss me. You said it was fine. I hate that word. I know what fine means. Sometimes it's all we can say. I don't know how to do it better, but one day... trust me, one day you will get it. Please keep being wonderful. You are wonderful, but it's not right. I know it's not right. I guess that's all I can say. I questioned too how I could cry if it was right; it's just hard. I still care, but I can't, you... you can't. Because I don't care enough. There are limitations on my ability to care, and you don't deserve that.

No, you don't deserve that at all.

I just want to protect you, yet I am the reason for your pain? Maybe I am giving myself too much credit. Maybe you are already over it. It's fine. It's over. Go on your way.

No Answers

It always comes out wrong when when you're hiding under a bush. Welcome to my life. I'm blunt about everything, but how I feel about men. All of a sudden I don't know how to explain my feelings. So I give parts and pieces and it worries them. I drop my worries on them. The only way for this to one day work is for them to like me, and I like them equally back without any red flags - that would be great.

So let me tear down the impossible right here at the verge of Valentines Day. Am I trying to make myself alone? I am - by working until 8PM that night. I'll work away the idea of anything red and touchy. Heaven forbid I let myself feel. I'll hurt you. Don't you know, I'll hurt you.

Will some stories end with silent complacency? Will some end apathetic and detached? Will others be full of surface chatter and silenced dreams? Are even the passioned people bound by canned desires. Hello debbie downer. We can fight for love. We can fight for focus. We can fight for choice, love and desire. We can ignore classifications and just love. But won't you hate me for loving so many people? I always said I would never be this way. Fine. Hypocrite. Even I understand the other side. Will I finally find my place with one? Why is everything always about boys.

Silence is the worst though. I swear it's the worst.

I want to know where people are at.

I want people to know where I am at.

Even when the words aren't perfect.

we all want some good, good lovin

Am I sad amazing girls get overlooked and guys don't always give them enough time? yes. Am I sad some girls just don't know how to make it happen? yes. Is there something I can do? Hurry up and get married, move out of the singles ward, and if I have to make amends for all the wrongs I've made, God will put my husband in the Bishopric of a YSA ward.

I guess I just like to assume eventually people will have their time - that it's all in the Lord's plan. Maybe there is something these kids (myself included) are missing. We can all whine, truly. But at the end of the day, what's the resolution we are looking for? Perhaps the Lord isn't going to force two people to talk and force two people to give each other a chance, even if he knows it can work. Lovers out there (those who still dote on their spouse) - please raise your hand. Now jump up and down screaming

"I'm a miracle."

Droughts and typhoons we call it.

It's very unsteady weather these days. I think God wants me to understand the two very distinct lessons.

1. Appreciate who I am regardless of how other people see me or don't see me. I need to know I am a child of God and really come to understand what that means. I also need to learn how to rely on Him and make time to grow and discover talents that make me a better person for the world. As well as patience; doesn't the world need a little more patience.

2. And then, when I finally get everything I ever wanted with some overkill on top, I need to be grateful and appreciate the affection by showing people how much I can care, as well as do all the things I said I would do when I finally got to this miracle.

Yes, this period of time involves some big decisions that are made for me. I take the initiative to forge my own future; however, that is never at the expense of another's feelings or without the primary motive of a life given to service and an eternal plan. So as long as my selfish desires are made in the righteous direction of uplifting the kingdom - is it really what we would call selfish? No, I don't think so. I think we have to decide what's good for us. We have to find our purpose through the Lord's direction. Others come and go. I'm out to find my #1.

But I'm definitely going to have fun along the way.

So no - in no way is this post saying I'm getting married.

We're all just trekkin.

I'm fighting now for our children - the last generation. They need a good daddy. And mama has to step it up.

Current Song: "I Got It", Gorilla Zoe

(clean version - ish)

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I hope you can handle that.

My new rule was just to say yes.

I didn't think it would turn into this.

This weekend was a little crazy.

Parts of me then and now just wanted to

clean the house, run errands, do laundry, enjoy personal projects

such a loner.

I can't help it.

I worked way too many extra hours this week

[not really, but let me whine]

Woke up way too early this week

[finally got the stupid tb test checked]

got stuck in the horrible snow DISASTER

and all I wanted was something warm and cozy

zero energy exertion

for the weekend.

Whatever it's cool.

Back to the snow DISASTER.

I almost pulled my hair out

I swore a few times when snow fell in my car

and people acted like FOOLS. left behind? anyone?

They didn't know how to drive, the end.

My little car got me home just fine once I was able to get the

IDIOTS out of my way.

Including the one that was stopped in my driveway...

Almost home from my TWO HOUR commute

and I had to put on my flashers in the road.

curses.

She couldn't move forward so she got out of the car,

went into the house and used the bathroom

then stayed there a little longer.

(wtf) WHY THE FACE

She comes waddling out

and apparently didn't try reversing until I suggested it

or moving the steering wheel back and forth.

my patience was completely dry.

A saintly neighbor with a shovel comes and moves her car.

I finally arrive home.

It was a pretty night; I've seen more snow before

but NOTHING like DC traffic in the snow.

yes, the city had completely shut down.

Why is that car stopping you say?

good question. good, good question.

And now it's Sunday. YAY

do we really have to sit and talk?

If you asked me whether or not I'd prefer to talk or not talk, I would probably say not talk only because it's easier. I would much rather me listen and just comment. I don't like feeling obligated to fill the space and 85% of the time I suck at really beginning a good conversation. I would much rather you take the initiative and carry that responsibility. Selfish of me huh? I'd rather just hike or play basketball, or shop or paint, or listen to music or watch the movie, or cook or kiss. It's hard to just sit and talk. This is why I avoid the phone.

I always have a comment though - but not everyone can take them/understand them. There isn't really anything you could ask me that I wouldn't discuss. Again, I'm just not normally the one who is raising her hand to share.

Sometimes I dish out crap, and you should feel at ease to push it back. I will probably like you more for being strong and clever, as long as your comments are strong and clever.

Don't ask me "what's my favorite." I will immediately not like you. I hate objective questions that I don't have an objective answer for. I will think you are trying to sum up an opinion in the few examples that I am able to list and I just need more time. So don't ask me my favorite; I most likely will not have one. And I suck at recall. I am competent in myself by myself. I know people feel obligated to talk to the "new girl" - to make them feel accepted. A lot of times the cheese comes with it. I hate when they come over with the hand outstretched and the cheese. They mean well, they mean well. I keep telling myself that. It could be worse - they could just stare at you. Don't feel bad for me darlin; I am just fine, but I will take your cookies even if you could never really be my friend in that way.

I would much rather have a small group of friends that I relate to where ever I go. I don't need the world to know me because the majority is not capable. I think I'm out to find my own kind yet still serve whoever I can. I am not above anyone and it is not a privilege to make it into my circle, I just literally think some just wouldn't want to be.

SPEAK

John Mayer inspired this new blog. I have a test and quite a few other things I need to work on right now, but I feel as if I need some form of emotional break from hard facts. So let's talk about life, us, people. I have an amazing opportunity to attend school, an awesomely amazing school mind you. And here, right now in the library, but also on the sidewalk, or in the classroom, are people. People...look at them. Everyone is so different. How did God create so many different renditions. It's also interesting to note how we focus on the outside. What we associate with a person tends to be this exterior surface, when often times we don't even realize how we appear in our own skin. It's fascinating. People. How her hair looks like that, how his jeans fit like that, how he smiles, how she squints, how she walks, how he laughs, how she licks her lips...

So however it works, it works and we have people who look different, but are we really so different? I didn't choose my body just like you didn't choose yours. I chose to get a body, sure. I'm on earth, but I didn't pick this...you just learn to live with it. It's more than accepting, it's defining. Not how you put on your make-up or dress your body, but how you use your eyes, your words, your hands...

I think people like to focus on differences because they tend to get noticed. But it's also fun to find relations. Everyone likes when they meet someone with similar interests, faults, desires...I think people are more alike than we sometimes think. The hard thing is taking the time to put down your selfish desires, your world of cares, and think about someone else's life. I am sitting here and people are surrounding me. Each has their own life full of trials, joys, family, friends, embarrassments, jokes... But we can't get out of our own world: our own perceptions and understandings, because we can only have one mind and one life. We can try, I think that's the idea. This life is all about relationships right? IF not, what's the point of all this crap. To enjoy my own knowledge and jokes all by myself? No thanks...

Friends and family...yea you get to know them on a different, closer level, but still...you don't know the whole story. We think we're walking in this one man army. All alone we moan. which is totally ridiculous because if there are a million of us all with problems, some the same, some different, but if we're all walking...it's more than a one man army. We can still combine. So like John Mayer says, take all your so called problems and put them in quotations because the truth is, you probably don't even know what a problem is. We could say he has it worse and get all the way to Christ, because He does, but until then...we can get over ourselves.

I don't mean to downplay the shadows in your head. Sure it's tough, we get stressed and have a lot to worry about. But FACT: that's life and it doesn't ever change. We all are going to struggle and when you get over one hurtle be prepared for another one. Don't go all depresso...we can still enjoy these moments; inside, around, and outside life's daily struggles are passion, love, smiles, tears, EMOTION... which allows for hope, laughter, and joy.

And I just want to add a NOTE: John Mayer says it's okay to say what I want to say. That it's better to say too much than not to say something that needed to be said. I often fear this...saying too much, but in that fear I never say enough. People should be less afraid to say I like you, I love you, I enjoy being with you, and more afraid to turn someone away out of hate and coldness. Everyone deserves to feel loved and appreciated. No. You can't marry the world UTAH, but who says I can't enjoy the company and learn something new from you. FACT: you can't befriend the world. Some people...just don't click, it's legit to say so. But does it really kill to say hello? I mean watch out for them darn rapists waiting to hold your hand...give me a break. SPEAK