Don't Be Surpised I Wrote About You

I'm back on the street corner, dying to scream, but alas nothing comes out but tears of disappointment, fear, and lost love stuck to my cheek. Another failed relationship. Yes failed. Do I eat ice cream and sit in front of the TV screen watching The Notebook, bawling my eyes out over real love? No. I was never that kind of girl. Ice cream just makes me sick. And I couldn't really focus on a movie.

So here's where it's at. I'm writing it down because I hate bottling it up and we're done talking to each other and I can only explain so much to anyone else. But I have to let it out.

You made me weak and I was so worried about being so vulnerable and hurting you in the beginning, and now i don't even care. Because WOAH catch 22, I was vulnerable and you ended up hurting me. You can know you hurt me; it really doesn't matter. I realize that my defaults set me up for worse hurt because I make it harder for someone to love me... I think I'll keep working on it and someone will see past it one day. But thank you for laying it out so clearly. It only hurts because it wasn't out of love anymore. How did you stop loving me.

I still appreciate the opportunity to become better...stronger...more understanding. I'll try and pass it on.

You know this now. And I know it's too late. Your affections for me have changed. I told you they might. You didn't believe me though. Maybe it was my fault for being too pessimistic, but I didn't like your arrogance; I didn't like that you thought you already knew. You should have explained yourself. I should have explained myself. But ALAS we can't go back in time.

And we musnt hold on to the past. I remember when it was good, and it really makes me happy. Those memories will soon fade, but I'll still smile as I can. If we can't make a happy future, holding on to the past won't do any good. And obviously the present isn't working either. You're done trying...trying to ask questions and wait for me to grow up. And even when I get there it just wasn't enough. A little too late. I think there's a song by JoJo that we could both appreciate along those lines, as well as Timberland.

I'm done crying but it still isn't real yet. But maybe being with you also didn't seem real. I don't know if I'll get much sleep tonight. Here's what these moments feel like...Your heart is sunken in, pressure...you can't concentrate on anything productive...you keep playing certain scenes over and over in your head...you want to smile and scream at the same time. You are filled with love and hate and it's hard to separate the two. You want to be alone, but you want to be with someone else. You don't want a pitty party, but you want to hear that people understand.

You move on from things like this. I mean what's your other option. It will hurt for as long and as much as you loved them, but one day you will wake up rejuvinated from a long dreary sleep, and enjoy the freedom again. Sure I dread the day of getting back into the pool. May we dare say I'm single. But it's not about being bogged down by some label, it's like a dear friend said, just be kayla. And I think I've been missing that lately.

I'm ready for the better me. Motivated and determined to make a difference, to find hope when it feels like dispair is ever reaching. The Lord has a greater plan than I see. I will rise to the occasion and shine my shoes. Tomorrow is a new day and I can only pity myself for so long. I'm done being inadequate and disappointing to you.

You will still be my friend. Even if I have a hard time talking to you. It will just be so hard you see. You took my heart, and then you left it there. I'll pick up the pieces, no big. But I want to move on. I can't stand hurting like this. Call me prideful, call me selfish, but you were the one to drop this--I will move on.

And I was only bitter because no one likes to lose what they love. I wanted to fix things and make it right. But I was too young and not willing to try enough. You are too hasty. I would give my life to a good cause. I'm as loyal as they come. I don't always choose the best way, but I never just fade.

I've been here before. I'm the fool the second time around. It takes baby steps to become a better person, to even learn to understand yourself let alone someone else. But you didn't think i understood that. This was all a game for me. Just a game of wait and see.

For all those times you said you loved me. You left me. Maybe it was hard to you. But from the beginning you always knew. You knew you loved me and I just had to catch up to the train. But then You said you had lost hope when i was still holding on to the reins.

What hurts the worst is knowing that I hurt and am the only one still awake. Still unable to sleep. The only one still tossing and turning at this in disbelief. Maybe you still care. I did see it in your eyes. But you still made me feel small, and right or wrong, I don't deserve that at all.