8 days

I am not really good with compliments/gifts/center of attention things. I don't ever really know how to react and I most always (I know that's contradicting) do the wrong thing, as in say everything but "thank you, you are so kind." 

Oh you think my hair is nice? "I didn't even do anything to it"; oh you got me a gift? "you did not need to spend money on me." you think I'm talented? "please, whatever."

It's just  . . . difficult for me to accept that someone was sincerely being nice; I am not discrediting you. I don't think it's my lack of confidence, or my thoughts that you don't mean that, it's just hard to hear it for some reason, yet you like to hear nice things from time to time? Oh the life of you-can-never-please-me.

MAYBE I'M JUST REALLY HUMBLE or maybe it's a form of pride.
weird irony?

I don't know why I always worry about people feeling obligated.  I guess you want people to think nice things, but it's more like you want to hear them inadvertently, maybe a card. Same with gifts, I love getting them in the mail, but I'm always afraid my reaction won't be satisfactory enough live. I'm just not one of those people.  It's like when people sing happy birthday to you; do you just stare at the cake till they are done? ugh. so awkward.

People know I don't just say thank you or give a compliment without actually meaning it, maybe because it's so rare, haha. Whatever. It's not, somehow I've managed to be pretty straight-up if people ask or I cower and run away before I'm forced to say something I don't really mean. I admire most people in all their efforts, but please, don't ask me if I like your photo.

So I am really excited we now have our nice pots and pans, as well as pyrex bakeware. Super nice of my coworkers, again, they shouldn't have, but I'm completely honored and excited to have them while at the same time being able to put the money we would have spent on them, elsewhere. 

We also received a waffle maker from the Osmond Family

And I was kinda excited about that. 

I told Eric I wonder if they receive lots of invites

and then feel obligated

of course I would think something like that.

Thank you everyone for your love, prayers, support and/or gifts/compliments.

The end

It's so bright in here

I should open my eyes more. I think I squint too much, and although that could be taken literally, it should definitely be taken figuratively.  I want to be the person that sees the good thing first all the time. I think we just become jaded way too quickly and stay there way too long.  There are way too many miracles in our life to feel like there isn't anything to be excited about. I am the worst person when it comes to my stereotypes or biases.  I have a hard time not labeling and showing forth excitement (and mostly when it comes to myself). I have my arms wide open to catch all those optimists on their way down to the real world, but why?  I get that as a human tendency, not a godly attribute. But that attitude makes me feel like I should befriend the world. I should be more open to getting hurt or looking stupid. *jaw drop*

. . . . . . *blank stare*

Sartorialist

sar·to·ri·al 

[sahr-tawr-ee-uh-l] adjective

1.of or pertaining to tailors or their trade: sartorial workmanship.

2.of or pertaining to clothing or style or manner of dress: sartorial splendor.

I came across this video and I feel like it encompasses how I sometimes feel as a photographer and what I would eventually like to achieve: the dauntless ability to capture a moment in the life of a complete stranger.

outside of the hour clock that just keeps passing sand

When it comes to how things work and how we as humans keep breathing and moving forward - I am clueless at times, most times. I understand that we should entrust our worries to the Lord and let them go. I understand that a life of faith and obedience leaves no room for fear. But how to become completely faithful and obedient is where I realize I am treading unchartered waters for my life path. I realize my path is my own. I realize my path will overlap with various others, and there is even one person who will join mine and carry it through to the end; however, it's still a billion sand specs to me.

I am defined by a childhood, by my first steps of college independence, my desire to create a new home apart from the familiar, and by a future I shall not predict, but attempt to create - outside of the hour clock that just keeps passing sand.

I don't forget the past; I use it to evolve a better future. I might decide to change some things. Most likely, I will just have to fight really hard to push through habits already formed. It's hard to ask a risk adverse person to just jump in. I've never liked jumping. I've always been too scared to fall.

The flower blooms under the right conditions.

Having my window open for the wonderful drift of fresh spring air would be wonderful tonight except for this squeaky bird who deserves to be cocked off the branch.

1. To set the hammer of (a firearm) in a position ready for firing.

It's detrimental to my sanity.

I was trying to think of what to write about [Mom says I've been distracted]. What if I had my own column in the newspaper? What kind of thoughts would I put out there for the world to hear (let's pretend for a second I have the world at an ears distance). Today, some comedic relief? Today, religious insight? Today, informative business? Today, honest release? Today, philosophical ideas?

Humor cannot afford to leave my life. It's the only thing that keeps me sane - my ability to laugh at others and myself. Religion is my life and inseparable from my thoughts and actions (well I try at least). Some people still don't believe in God let alone understand their divine nature and purpose so the work cannot end there - ever. I love business; I can always vent some form of emotion, and I always have some sort of idea the worst publishers would roll their eyes at BUT I've decided tonight, I just want to tell you something simple.

*I have turned up the music so i don't have to hear the bird. Of course - the threshold of the music being too loud to counteract the bird is precarious.*

Can I be honest? (I know it's me, who am I kidding)

I'm 22, almost 23. I haven't changed much.

Case in point:

July 5, 2006 - "I have this tendency to know things, but over-analyze it or not say the basics. That's what happened today in Book of Mormon class when I got a 2/5 on the quiz. And the teacher said it stinks to have that negative feedback because people hearken on that missed question or points off. I totally do that."

Also,

April 15, 2007 - I feel obligated to want someone because people make me feel pressured to want that, as if I'm missing something without it, which can be true as well. Who knows... I just don't think the right guy has come along yet."

And...

April 27, 2007 - "It's all up to me now. Holy crap what am I going to do."

Any way, Elder Bednar doesn't think we ever go back through our writings. I have used mine often though. Maybe he forgets some people don't have a brain unless they have pen and paper. Some of us forget everything the time we walk out of the room. My brain must be big because so much gets lost or buried.

My journal is filled with a girl who was lost and confused. One who kept questioning the future and whether or not I was doing my best or doing enough (both inseparable). One day - on top of the world, and then the next - gloomy doomy.

I'm still that girl.

BUT my understanding is maturing as my faith has opened doors. It's about learning these repeated lessons of life at the perfect time. "We need to do all we can for God who is preserving each moment of our lives." I'm going to assume Nelson said that in the 2007 conference, and not me.

The church is true. I really want people to understand that. I guess I need to get better at explaining that, and even understanding it myself. There's more to this life. There's more order. There's more love. There's more happiness than what the world offers, and even what the little white church in the middle of Pickens County offers. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has the fullness, I know this.

The easier road is always to live within the world and avoid any type of inconvenience.

I'm simple. I want to serve where I can. I want to laugh at stupid things. I want to talk about the miracles of nature. I could be happy trying to find all the free things to do in town. I am happy making lists and checking them off. I like dry humor. I am not perfect and so far; I haven't come close.

The miracles in my life have been a paper that was pushed back or the fact that I have friends who like me. People have been miracles to me. I need people who make me question. I place myself around people who make me question life in good ways. This life is but a small moment. And it's not about what we tend to fret about. It's about giving everything to everyone else. No, you're right - that is not our natural instinct. In the flesh I am nothing, but to God I am everything and through Christ, we can become like Him.

I'm pretty sure that's scripture or something.

*yep, the bird is still chirping*

do we really have to sit and talk?

If you asked me whether or not I'd prefer to talk or not talk, I would probably say not talk only because it's easier. I would much rather me listen and just comment. I don't like feeling obligated to fill the space and 85% of the time I suck at really beginning a good conversation. I would much rather you take the initiative and carry that responsibility. Selfish of me huh? I'd rather just hike or play basketball, or shop or paint, or listen to music or watch the movie, or cook or kiss. It's hard to just sit and talk. This is why I avoid the phone.

I always have a comment though - but not everyone can take them/understand them. There isn't really anything you could ask me that I wouldn't discuss. Again, I'm just not normally the one who is raising her hand to share.

Sometimes I dish out crap, and you should feel at ease to push it back. I will probably like you more for being strong and clever, as long as your comments are strong and clever.

Don't ask me "what's my favorite." I will immediately not like you. I hate objective questions that I don't have an objective answer for. I will think you are trying to sum up an opinion in the few examples that I am able to list and I just need more time. So don't ask me my favorite; I most likely will not have one. And I suck at recall. I am competent in myself by myself. I know people feel obligated to talk to the "new girl" - to make them feel accepted. A lot of times the cheese comes with it. I hate when they come over with the hand outstretched and the cheese. They mean well, they mean well. I keep telling myself that. It could be worse - they could just stare at you. Don't feel bad for me darlin; I am just fine, but I will take your cookies even if you could never really be my friend in that way.

I would much rather have a small group of friends that I relate to where ever I go. I don't need the world to know me because the majority is not capable. I think I'm out to find my own kind yet still serve whoever I can. I am not above anyone and it is not a privilege to make it into my circle, I just literally think some just wouldn't want to be.

Listen to the Sound of the Wind

This morning I was focusing on everything that was going wrong and I had an awful morning, but once I got to class, I realized how stupid and narrow-minded I was being. I love the guys in my class; my day didn't just completely turned around, but I realized I wasn't not going to fail. Life will still go on and I can still be happy...it's my choice.

So here's a list of things I love, that make me smile, that make me look at the bigger picture and move forward. They are in no particular order; I promise.

1. Country music. When I start getting stressed or disheartened, a country song always comes to mind. I hum a little bit of the tune and I smile. Country music leaves no room for stress and worry, only well-grounded values: family, friends, love.

2. Pictures. I like holding pictures. The biggest downside to digital is the fact that I never develop pictures anymore. I'm going to start doing this. Print my favorite ones and try and have a favorite picture for the week...or for the month, depending...Either way...the idea of capturing emotion and saturating colors and discovering new angles...makes me happy.

3. When my best friends back home give me a call. It makes my day to know that they still care and that we're still there for each other. I love them to death. They understand me and still love me. I couldn't ask for better friends. I can always count on them, even when we all get caught up in our own lives. We are all at the beginning of getting older and moving on, it's fun to see how time changes us. We keep crossing our fingers it's for the better.

4. Hearing my mother tell me about one of her crazy stories.

5. Emailing my dad during class

6. The closeness of my family. How we all accept each other.

7. Sunny days, flip flops and dreams of the water

8. Driving to drive, with the radio turned up just enough to block out unwanted thoughts

9. The still of the night and the quite feeling a new snowfall brings

10. Children. I imagine what I would be like as a mom, playing with them and knowing what that kind of love is like.

11. Helping others have a better day.

12. Flowers

13. When Danny cares

14. Looper Road and a home cooked meal

15. Hearing that I'm not the only one who is confused

16. Travel. Seeing new things. Friendly strangers. Having the energy to meet new people.

17. Basketball games; especially with people who will cheer and yell with you; especially those against Utah...and it's nice when we win =)


I think I'm going to go get my library card now. I finally got a letter with my name and address and I am going to go check out a book. I could use some suggestions. I never read for fun anymore. I like books that inspire me, but capture me with an interesting story plot as well. And I like learning about real things.

But maybe I'll take a quick nap. I haven't been to bed before 2am the past couple of nights. It might be good for my sanity, while the chicken is thawing for my quesadillas ...yummy

Word is saying I misspelled quesadillas. Hilarie came all the way in here to confirm that I was correct. If HilBil backs me, up I always go with it.

I'm the Kind of Girl

Who can go from A to E without talking about BC or D. People say I'm random, which could be true, but I can't help it. I like to think and thinking doesn't always involve smooth transitions. I go with how I feel. I am moved by my emotions, but slowed down by my cautious nature.

Who says everything out loud, so not everything I say needs to be heard. I'll repeat it if I expect an answer and you only heard a mumble. It takes me awhile to get to the exact question or comment though. So you might think I beat around the bush, when I'm really just bad at finding the bush.

Who wants to make everyone feel appreciated and loved. but I'd rather love some people from afar.

Who's fascinated by the human mind and why people think and act the way they do. This makes me label. I like titles and categories.

Who gets quite when intimidated. Who likes to stand in the back, but never alone.

Who has a hard time getting over her own faults, but able to appreciate the faults of others. Who hates it when she says things the wrong way, but always hears the right way when other people speak.

Who can handle just about anything, although I won't go down in silence.
I hate secrets and want to share everything, except my oreos and shaver.

Who has licked the spilled milk off the table and looks for the red&blue sour gummy worms

Who saves the best bite for last and doesn't chew gum

Who can't handle cigarette smoke and loud noises

Who notices when cars line up red white and blue

Who always makes her icee mixed and notices if you chew with your mouth open

Who hates formality and fakeness.

Who knows just about every country song and makes up words when she doesn't

Who hates sparkles but loves tight jeans and scarfs

Who plays with her hair when she's nervous or bored and rewrites sloppiness

Who hates the feel of rubbing cotton, shoe laces and most reptiles

Who can spend 30 minutes staring at the different brands of things at the store. I can have 5 different options and still leave with nothing.

Who has conversations in her head and releases stress by organizing and listening to music. Who makes lists and sets a plan

Who gets sucked into the typical love stories

Who gets excited over new books and Simply Orange Juice

Who likes exploring new places

Who hates being tickled and swimsuits

Who doesn't raise her hand and comes in the back way

Who thinks glasses can be a turn on, and a good smile can capture her heart

Who cares what people think, but always going to be herself

Who is awful at grammar and spelling. flying balls and dates. talking to strangers when I have something to lose and into a camera. sewing. making rice and flipping pancakes.

Who talks during the movie and cuts people off in conversation

Who completes the task given, the best way I know how

Who cries when people cry and smiles when people smile

Who loves children and wants her own personal baby model

Who believes in happily ever after, but skeptical over anyone that comes her way.

Who is not a morning person and doesn't leave much time to do her hair, but always has something for breakfast

Will assume the worst as a cover for disappointment, but can't play mind games with herself

Who can't stand disappointing others and forgetting about best friends

Who is afraid of getting old, but eager to accomplish something with wrinkles

Who dips her toe into the water before jumping in but wants to overcome her fears

Who is always willing. to do what is right.