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Day 2 - Let's ride. 10.5 hours

Day 1 - marriage license, realized FL decided to be cold, pray for the sun, received sun, saw Bree's new baby girl, Aubree, mani/pedi, wedding venue, open presents, dinner with friends, goodnight lover, our last single kiss.

Day 0 - We got married 11am, November 5th in the Orlando Temple. I love him. It was a wonderful wedding, exactly what I pictured. So many people made the reception come to life. I was too busy trying to make sure I talked to everyone that I didn't feel like I adequately enjoyed it for all the effort and stress, but I hope everyone else did. What matters most is holding Eric's hand across the altar. He was so good, patient, and loving. He's staring at me right now. He's my everything. I've never felt this comfortable with anyone. I even like his scruff.

And this is a new beginning for Mr and Mrs Smith

Because We Love

I know I've heard it before because it's something that sounds so familiar. Truth can do that. I may have heard stories before and maybe my brain picked up what my short term memory was overlooking, but now I really hear it. This happens all the time. This story hit me differently today.

Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles tells of a time when he was a boy and his mother came very close to death due to cancer surgery. It was painful for his mother to use her right arm because much of her neck and shoulder tissue was removed.

“One morning about a year after the surgery, my father took Mother to an appliance store and asked the manager to show her how to use a machine he had for ironing clothes,” Elder Christofferson says.

The machine operated by pressing pedals with one’s knees to lower a roller against a heated metal surface while feeding in articles of clothing. The machine made ironing easier for the mother of five boys.

“Mother was shocked when Dad told the manager they would buy the machine and then paid cash for it. Despite my father’s good income as a veterinarian, Mother’s surgery and medications had left them in a difficult financial situation, Elder Christofferson says.

“On the way home, my mother was upset: ‘How can we afford it? Where did the money come from? How will we get along now?’ Finally Dad told her that he had gone without lunches for nearly a year to save enough money. ‘Now when you iron,’ he said, ‘you won’t have to stop and go into the bedroom and cry until the pain in your arm stops.’ She didn’t know he knew about that. I was not aware of my father’s sacrifice and act of love for my mother at the time, but now that I know, I say to myself, ‘There is a man.’”

All I ever want to be is everything you ever need.

Somehow I made the biggest decision of my life. I only worry when I think about how easy and normal it was for me. All these years and all these conversations made me feel like it was something more grand. I think it's just the simple, calm peace of being with the person you never want to be without.

It's a choice now, it's a choice tomorrow, and it's a choice every day after that.

I mentioned how the reality of reality catches up with me and sometimes I just don't know where to move. Sometimes I just feel like a game piece and all I see is the black space in front of me, but there you are, right beside me. I didn't ask for you to be there. I didn't think either one of us would stay. I guess sometimes I think wrong. I didn't expect to love you like I do, it just kinda happened. Here I am. God knew you would come. God knew I would give you a chance and he knew you would stick with me.

All I ever want to be is everything you ever need.

Happy one week engagement.

{even if the activity was a bust, I still got to hold your hand}

ps- don't hate me cause you're beautiful ;)

By small and simple things

are great things brought to pass.

Last night, we met an old man we will name, Erwin. Mr. Erwin looked about 95 years old. I am talking to Eric about something completely pointless when I notice he is looking over my shoulder. This is actually not typical, so I follow his gaze to the only other person in the Wendy's diner, i.e. Mr. Erwin.

I noticed Mr. Erwin when we first walked in and did the girly "aw look at that cute old man," but I kinda forgot about him. Any way, I look over and we wonder if he needs some assistance. Creepy stalkers that we are, we watch him toss his sauce packets into his walker pockets. Eric then proceeds to get up and ask Mr. Erwin if he needs assistance. Mr. Erwin: "Yes, actually, it might be better that I don't drop the tray on the floor." Eric then holds the door and Mr. Erwin looks back at me and smiles this big adorable smile. "You got a good one here ya know." Yes, Mr. Erwin, I do know. I grab the first door while Eric holds the second. Eric makes some silly comment that he got a good one too and he smiles and says "I can see that."

Holding the chili cup while Mr. Erwin gets in his car, Eric stands patiently. Then puts his walker wheels down in the back seat. Thanks again young man, said Mr. Erwin. *hand wave*

Mr. Erwin was married, or had a love once, perhaps who left him there to live life at Wendys on a Tuesday night by himself. We feel bad for the appearance of his loneliness, but ya know, he loved, he smiled, and he was still happy. Would I yell at him if he was slowing me down on the way to work (or as we know it, going any where), yes most likely. But as a person, I could picture sitting on the porch with some hot chocolate listening to his jokes and stories. I bet he had lots to tell.

We finally made it to a Wendys. I finally got my small frosty and he finally got his large. Who knows, give me 70 years...

Who really understands time any way. The flesh wears. Time doesn't matter. But the soul, that carries heart, determination, joy & laughter to the eternities. Honey, earth may spot our flesh, but we do not have to perish in the bars of time, only exhaust all reasons to keep living and I bet even when we think it's over, it'll just begin again.

- me

No Answers

It always comes out wrong when when you're hiding under a bush. Welcome to my life. I'm blunt about everything, but how I feel about men. All of a sudden I don't know how to explain my feelings. So I give parts and pieces and it worries them. I drop my worries on them. The only way for this to one day work is for them to like me, and I like them equally back without any red flags - that would be great.

So let me tear down the impossible right here at the verge of Valentines Day. Am I trying to make myself alone? I am - by working until 8PM that night. I'll work away the idea of anything red and touchy. Heaven forbid I let myself feel. I'll hurt you. Don't you know, I'll hurt you.

Will some stories end with silent complacency? Will some end apathetic and detached? Will others be full of surface chatter and silenced dreams? Are even the passioned people bound by canned desires. Hello debbie downer. We can fight for love. We can fight for focus. We can fight for choice, love and desire. We can ignore classifications and just love. But won't you hate me for loving so many people? I always said I would never be this way. Fine. Hypocrite. Even I understand the other side. Will I finally find my place with one? Why is everything always about boys.

Silence is the worst though. I swear it's the worst.

I want to know where people are at.

I want people to know where I am at.

Even when the words aren't perfect.

we all want some good, good lovin

Am I sad amazing girls get overlooked and guys don't always give them enough time? yes. Am I sad some girls just don't know how to make it happen? yes. Is there something I can do? Hurry up and get married, move out of the singles ward, and if I have to make amends for all the wrongs I've made, God will put my husband in the Bishopric of a YSA ward.

I guess I just like to assume eventually people will have their time - that it's all in the Lord's plan. Maybe there is something these kids (myself included) are missing. We can all whine, truly. But at the end of the day, what's the resolution we are looking for? Perhaps the Lord isn't going to force two people to talk and force two people to give each other a chance, even if he knows it can work. Lovers out there (those who still dote on their spouse) - please raise your hand. Now jump up and down screaming

"I'm a miracle."

Droughts and typhoons we call it.

It's very unsteady weather these days. I think God wants me to understand the two very distinct lessons.

1. Appreciate who I am regardless of how other people see me or don't see me. I need to know I am a child of God and really come to understand what that means. I also need to learn how to rely on Him and make time to grow and discover talents that make me a better person for the world. As well as patience; doesn't the world need a little more patience.

2. And then, when I finally get everything I ever wanted with some overkill on top, I need to be grateful and appreciate the affection by showing people how much I can care, as well as do all the things I said I would do when I finally got to this miracle.

Yes, this period of time involves some big decisions that are made for me. I take the initiative to forge my own future; however, that is never at the expense of another's feelings or without the primary motive of a life given to service and an eternal plan. So as long as my selfish desires are made in the righteous direction of uplifting the kingdom - is it really what we would call selfish? No, I don't think so. I think we have to decide what's good for us. We have to find our purpose through the Lord's direction. Others come and go. I'm out to find my #1.

But I'm definitely going to have fun along the way.

So no - in no way is this post saying I'm getting married.

We're all just trekkin.

I'm fighting now for our children - the last generation. They need a good daddy. And mama has to step it up.

Current Song: "I Got It", Gorilla Zoe

(clean version - ish)

Warmth = Body, Fire, Rays, Sweat = Active

THE SUN IS SHINING. Even on a sad day we can dance. That is one of my favorite feelings. The warm sun dancing on your skin. It's the perfect time of year to fly a kite, to sip fresh squeezed lemonade, lay out in short shorts, pick flowers, and dance barefoot in the sand (or in Utah...grass).

Life is wonderful and it all comes down to the fact that we have it to live. Caitlan, one of my favorite people, and I have revitalized 90s pop music in the money room. There is nothing like the classic Backstreet Boys, Savage Garden, and Miss Independent to get your booty bouncin and your feet movin. I love thinking about how significant and exciting that era was. At one point in time, boy bands were accepted and Britney Spears was cool.

My new favorite thing is the Banana Berry with organic granola at Jamba Juice. I also like how I pay for a size 16, but still get the larger cup. And it's good and healthy. Dang it I just forgot I wanted to get an energy boost. They don't ask you if you want one anymore. AND I get it half off thanks to the money room employment. I don't have to work with food, but I still get the perks. Although...has anyone been to the Cougareat lately? Overpriced and sickening...but L&T wraps and Tomassito bread sticks are hard to beat.

I went on a Sunday drive the other day and brought along my Canon Rebel xTi for a day of rest and internal peace. It was very rewarding. I got a couple of pictures and suddenly remembered I had been neglecting my canon. It's just hard to bring it around everywhere, but I must not abandon my one true love. I never applied for the photography program because I was afraid at failing at something I love, plus the practicality of the circumstances. I know there is a reason for business, but I never was about the look of black leather (the comfy chairs) and high heels. I like color and calm- randomness, if that makes sense. Although I always wanted to carry around a brief case. I want a business degree and I want to excel at the art of image capturing. One day I will reach these goals.

I also want to get married and move past the all too overbearing dating phase. Too bad the dating phase doesn't end once you get married. Aw shucks. How do you make someone fall in love with you? Only kidding...kinda. More importantly, how do you keep the energy to keep them there? How do you find someone who will complete you body and soul? This is serious. I need to know.

You know, I find myself always half and half. In a lot of ways I'll be one thing, and in a lot of ways another. As much as a try to classify myself, I end up in circles. I don't know why I worry so much about classifying things. I guess I always liked having things organized and well thought out, but who wants everything in a box. I like good surprises that I didn't expect.

PS you can always make a difference. People always need your help. I wish I was better at helping people.

Where's the Love

It is so easy to get caught up in the chick flick movie love. In the music that romanticizes playing in the sprinklers. Should we not expect it? Can we not have it? You cannot tell me Frank Sinatra could only sing. For a man to sing the words he sang, he had to have passion. The kind of passion any girl could dream of. Sure not every wife can be Jessica Alba and not every husband can be Brad Pitt, but we can find something that turns us on and make love happen.

I think when people say they lost love that they just stopped trying. Love takes effort. It's not easy to come up with poetic verses and planned evenings. You actually have to go to the store and buy flowers. You have to light the candles. Instead people are lazy and instead of working at something (that to me seems most important) they continue to sit and lay feathered in dreams. Dreams that cannot come true when you never take the time to care.

And it's not like every girl expects or even wants flowers. They just want to know you tried, that you care. Guys don't expect you to be perfect and never burn the pan. They just want to know you tried and are there. We all want the same dang things: appreciation, which involves love. You have to understand each others love language and if you truly want them, you'll do whatever it takes to make them feel loved, to make them happy.

A good friend once told me he'll know it's real love when it's no longer "I could live with them", but that "I can't live without them"

Personally, I hate perfect people, because they are all fakers. No one is perfect and no one wants to be around someone who's good at everything. When someone else slips it makes me feel human. I laugh more because we all know what it's like to be there. To be embarrassed, come off wrong, or make no sense. I think imperfections can be endearing.

But I'm a dork who has an easy time loving everyone else's quirkiness, but despising my own. I'm a hypocrite to my own desires. I say I hate perfect people because they are fake, yet I'm obsessed with wanting to say the right things and never mess up. (As if I can become God tomorrow). So we all struggle with laughing at our own follies.

I just think we should all remember Elder Wirthlin who just told us to laugh more. Move on when we slip. If you don't hold me against my own spilled milk, I won't hold you against yours. What would happen if we all gave each other the benefit of the doubt and just moved on. HOLY COW we'd be so much more happier. Love would exist more in the world. But instead we think everyone is out to get us and make us feel bad. When in reality, no one wants to be alone and only jerks are closed off to having more friends. So if you're trying to please a jerk, just thank them for being human and move on. You can't be with everyone. Thank goodness.

You need to stop worrying about laying your head on their shoulder. You need to stop wondering what he could have meant by saying something else. Just say it. Look at her if she's beautiful. Holy cow you could even tell her. Look at him if he catches your eye. Allow feelings to happen. Freak we have them for a reason. TO LOVE.

We fear rejection and embarrassment. Is that it? Why because now you think less of yourself? That's dumb, get over that. O but I've lived here for awhile...the fear of going too far because they'll think you want more than "just friends". This is a tough one because we send and receive vibes in different ways. If they don't get the hints, just be straight up and nice about it. Don't beat around the bush and the other side needs to be understanding. We've all been on both sides. be understanding. but don't stop loving. never stop loving.

Why because your ego tells you you're allowed everything you desire? get over that. We don't even know what's best for us at times. It takes trial and error. (but maybe that's just me). I have to take 20 pictures before I get one that's right. It's the same way with first impressions, public speaking, math, learning a new talent, etc... welcome to life dearest. but it's so worth it when you work so hard for something and you get it. And you will, if you try hard enough, you will.

People need to stop worrying about saying the perfect thing and making sure everything goes according to plan. People just need to live. Live and Love. that's all I got to say. God fills in the rest. recognize that blessing and use it.

It Takes Two

So here's the story. about love. just kidding. words come and go. feelings define more. it just is. or it isn't. but at times the uncertainty, the possibility, the desire, the fear... can make it inbetween.

We all think we know what we want. And then something comes and we're thrown off our feet because we fall, yet it's different. Different than expected. maybe worse, maybe better. but different. So do we really know what we want? If you asked anyone they'd want a guy or a girl with good looks, good brains, a good heart, but we all know you can't like just anyone and everyone. So where does that difference lie? I don't know. I'm single. I just like to write.

Okay but seriously...everyone hates those times where you like someone, whether or not they have everything you expected, you like them...yet there's something missing. Your heart skips a beat, you get weak in the knees, you want to just love them...that's all there. But you open your mouth...AND... nothing...or everything and everything wrong. And you're left scared. Scared that you said the wrong thing, or didn't say the right thing and they got the wrong impression. This happens. Those who aren't worth your time...ignore you. You're hurt. You're sad, but you must move on. Because you know you're worth it.

So FINALLY someone laughs at your jokes. Someone wants to talk to you. Someone wants to even love you. And yet your heart doesn't skip a beat and you don't get weak in the knees. But they are an amazing friend...friend. Don't we all love that word. Friends are awesome, what could you do without them. But the opposite sex version of one can provide problems unless you KNOW there is no possibility...if both sides know, then it works. But you still want them, that comfort, but in a different body. That doesn't work. I tried. You can't pick and choose parts. But how can they love you, how can they understand you, when who you want doesn't? I'm single. I don't know what to tell you. It's just not your season...join the boat.

So how do you get over that hump of rejecting vs. rejection? Over the chemistry vs passion? When do you get both? Is it possible world? I dare say it is. Ask the couple batting eyes right next to you. They found it.

All we know is that it's a guessing game. You win some and you lose some. But you have to play. Yes yes i know, no one likes the game, but that depends on what game you're talking about. I'm not talking about secret hidden messages trying to give you hints on where my feelings lie. I'm talking about getting out there in the world, putting on your best smile, loving everyone, giving them all a chance, letting those you don't want back into the pond nicely, no tease, but stepping up to the plate to catch those that grab your attention, just don't be so vain as to forget about the one in the corner.

It's the same old thing, boy meets girl, and the world goes round. Right. it's that simple. Who's good enough for who. Want to know what I'm hoping for?

I want to find someone I want to be better for. I want them to be better for me. This way we're better for each other...with each other. But it's hard not to settle on what's there because it's there, to move on when you're hurt, or to read the signs that say go, slow or stop...It might even make you want to scream...but in the end. you find it. and then IT wants you and you want it...forever.

when the crowd fades and the lights turn on, when you're ashamed and feel inadequate, when you want to give up and can't hold on... They help you clean up, they tell you you're amazing, they tell you you can do anything, they hold you and help you press on.