$20

I have to tell you.
I've been praying or at least thinking about
how I want to feel more specific spiritual impressions.
To help people...be in the right places...fulfill a purpose
more or less.

But I have a hard time distinguishing between
my own analyzations and that of ... promptings.
Today, I was battling this on the cobblestone sidewalk

I noticed this mechanical leg on the stony steps
It was connected to a young face, with long hair, with a casual face
he had a cardboard sign that said homeless and
other things I didn't read. In that moment I was like
"I should give him something." I never have
given to the homeless [...] don't judge me.
I don't see many on a normal day, but he affected me.
In a weird way. I walked passed, pulled out my wallet on the next block
and realized I just had $2 cash. I began the afternoon with a $20 to spend.
I ate. bought a tshirt. and had $2 left over.
I thought well that's a lame amount to give. What is the point?
Then I kept thinking it's still something, maybe it's just
a good example? good practice? confidence for him? for me?
but it would be stupid to turn around.
(I'm glad I was worried about looking foolish when he's there with the sign)
sometimes I'm really silly.
I just didn't want to overlook the moment I was supposed to take action
Yet I kept walking because 1. I rationalized it
I said i don't have a problem giving up the money, I just didn't think
it was a big deal - but officially made it one with my thoughts.
Since when do I ever think this long and hard over something
like a scary bum. Welcome to DC I mean - why him.

So I looked for my phone. missing. I stopped to check again.
missing.
panic attack.

I left it when I purchased the shirt. 6 blocks back.
I take off thinking
great God - you just want me to walk past him again
forcing myself to have a second chance. I prayed and said
if someone could do a good thing and turn in my phone,
I would do a good thing and give him the cash I had.
My phone was saved.
I dropped in the $2 I had left.
Now thinking great, I only did it because I wanted something
not the point at all.
I think I would have done it even if I didn't find my phone.
Although I think I would just sit next to him and cry.
Good thing he didn't have to deal with that.



Blessings? I don't know.