I feel like I'm drawing scribbles

"And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him,
O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"

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I struggle to make decisions. Let me just throw that out there. Maybe the theme for 2011 should be 'make decisions.' I mean really, I've never met a more doubting Thomas in my life then when I look in the mirror. No one wants to be doubting Thomas. We all want to be the Brother of Jared. He's assertive and he's hard working. He understands the concept of 'after all you can do' and '110%'. He was so good that doubt was removed completely. dang.

[this is me talking to myself; I do this often]

My excuses can range from the clutter of the world i.e. facebook and shopping, to my perfectionistic ways (yes I realize I just made up a word). For the first, it will just take discipline. For the latter, it's more like... even when I know the ending will still be the same - I want to try and try again until the situation was handled in the best possible way, i.e. no mistakes on my part. Yes, I do think I can become infallible overnight - apparently. Sigh. No dice - I will fall short of this lofty ideal - why can't I just move on?

I think I'm too lazy to get in the right mind. Perhaps God is trying to direct me, but I'm banging away on my computer listening to Amos Lee and forgetting all about an actual answer because I'm too swallowed up in explaining my confusion on blogspot.com. It's like I can't sit still. I try to ponder and I either a) fall asleep or b) end up on facebook without even realizing i just typed in the url. Shameful.

Will I receive an answer if it doesn't slap me upside the head? Let's think Kayla, maybe just maybe, I would know if I just did things I liked, good things that I liked, things that would help people, in the opportunities that have been handed or the ideas that keep repeating. I can promise myself through past experiences that if a choice is bad - it will not go through. Take #s1-7 for example, or UCF, or that all girls apartment building. The thing is - what choices have been horrible? - none. Okay Okay, my doubt is my initiative. Which granted, is slacking. I fear because I didn't go looking for other things, I am stuck with this opportunity because I'm lazy and it fell in my lap. Hello debbie downer. I am active and I've made important decisions and have done things with my life. I cannot regret any of the places I have been and any of the people I have met along the way. There is a reason I am here and you are in my life. I can always do more, I know that and the Lord knows that and my cheer-leading squad knows that.

But you don't have to be everything and everything at once. I can just pick one thing that moves me forward and hey look - that will still push me further. Precept upon precept I will slowly learn and gain more strength. I can then keep building and one day, through the Lord's grace, because my turtle speed won't cut it, I can be perfect.

I could always be doing worse things with my life; I don't give myself that credit. I know the Lord didn't make me that person for a reason - the bar is off the ground. It's my job to push it higher I know. I just need to trust that the Lord can help me raise it.

The Lord understands my confusion. I love knowing that when I can't explain what I'm feeling - that the Lord already knows. I just have to get it into my head that he's only encouraging. The road is narrow, but there is no limit to His outstretched hand. He can help me see God's picture. I feel like I'm drawing scribbles.

So when I worry that taking this path will screw up the rest of my life, I need to sit back and realize how ridiculous that is. I will not screw up a good thing by doing good things. Where there is a will there is a way. Better/best - pray about it and the good choice will manifest itself in some way or another. I just have to be ready - that is the part that scares me. A little fear is good to keep us ready.

We must learn, as Moses did, that man is nothing by himself, but that "with God all things are possible."

PS Honey, just a crazy thought... Do you see me coming down the road yet? Yeah - it looks like I'm way behind - because if I end up being the one in the lead - this is not looking good =)