who turned the movie off?

Sometimes I find myself social commentating in my head on the situation I am currently in. I worry about this because I realize there is a person in front of me talking, yet I am having a conversation with myself as well. Then I zone back in and respond, while at the same time thinking "this is what the narrator would be saying if my life were like a movie."



Of course no one would watch my movie. Well, I've had my funny moments.

I was doing the dishes in Susan's kitchen. She was worried I wasn't rinsing the dishes enough, but when I reaffirmed it's fine she proceeded to the bedroom and started trying on different outfits. This is one of her favorite things. As I do her dishes she walks in and asks me if this blouse fits her body type, if it's the right color, or if it looks too old fashioned. The last part always seems ironic since she then proceeds to tell me her great grandmother gave it to her. We talk about how a white top might look better under it or how it might be a little too short or too big. The idea is to balance the "yeah, that's cute you could wear it to church" comments with "yeah, I'm not too sure about that one." I really like that she enjoys this, and for the most part, I tell her what I think she wants to hear. This is one of those exceptions, where honesty is relative.

She was talking about a man that apparently is the flirty type. She wasn't super into him, but i guess was trying to see if perhaps it could be something. I had been there. I also feel like she worries she could be giving up her only chance. This made me reflect. Then she commented how she can't make something work that's not supposed to happen. I then proceeded to agree with her, and then commented on my own life (in my head). Our actions can be guided - and perhaps we think the first stop sign is where the journey ends. but life is longer than a 2 hour movie. There will be more than one stop sign and tons of distractions tossed in the way.

It was all about this idea of what we want and the reality that life isn't like the movie scene, or even the scene in our mind. In real life, we don't always say what we wanted to say, we mumble and stumble - and sometimes it's not charming. Sometimes the X- factor tells us no. Sometimes the other person doesn't think like we expected them to think. People miss hints and don't move with the music in the background. There is no music to warn you of danger or to help you realize "this is the moment." We aren't always excited and there are more silent moments than we anticipated. And you don't always have a person next to you to help you evaluate the predicament you found yourself in. Sometimes we end up laughing without an audience.

And for her, she can't expect much. She tells me she cannot compete for the healthy, normal male. So she asks herself what she can expect - someone else handicapped or remain alone - and the later is easier, so she says.

Susan: "If i can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take on the burden of someone elses struggle."
Me: "Perhaps it would be a good distraction. You could help with his pain, and he could help with yours."

Sometimes reality is killer. But I feel like everyone deserves to be loved and loved like that.

Some of us walk around scared to let go.
Some of us walk around defeated and hopeless.
Some of us walk around telling ourselves that we don't care.
Some of us walk around in every direction while others don't even look to the side.
Some of us walk around unsure about all the questions.
Some of us can't let go of the past and some of us lock the key.
Some of us don't realize it until it's too late.
Some of us don't know what to say.
Some of us want to say yes but can only say no.
Some of us want answers that others cannot give.
Some of us are so used to falling down, and others are so used to having it in their hand.
Some of us got it first, some last, and others are still looking.
Some of us wonder if we'll ever get it right.

And honestly, it almost doesn't matter. Like a good cousin told me: What's most important is finding happiness within yourself. And don't let anyone take that away from you. Somebody will find you and it's more exciting when it takes you by surprise. Be open to learning: whatever that might bring. Just don't be afraid to open your eyes and let your heart feel. P.S. Husband: good luck surprising me