When all Else Fails

I thought I would start out this month with a bang. I got a different kind of bang than I intended. I got shot capowboomboombang. One of the WORST things for me is when I fall short of my own expectations, when I fall short of myself, (what I know my potential is)...when I don't live up to me. Is that ridiculous? I don't think it's that crazy, but it definitely makes me sick. I want to get past things and my perfectionist side wants me to do it until I get it right. And sometimes, it's a sunk cost. I hate to even use accounting terms. That's that class that has me so upset. My whole walk home from the testing center, outside of unearned revenue mistakes, was spent wondering what I'm even doing. What do I really plan on doing with my life? What do I really expect? Look at that picture from the beach. Those were the care free days. But maybe you have these times to find humility. To make you realize you can go down at any time, but that you can't let it shake your faith. If I did everything perfectly, I would think I had no room for improvement, which is far mistaken. I'm still gonna work on being perfect and humble at the same time. It could work.

But i should stop being so prideful. I should allow people to be better than me every now and then. I should realize I can just do better next time. I just hope I can. I'm sure I can. And the thing is, it always works out. But what if it doesn't work out. Do things really always work out? I guess in ways we don't even realize. I like objection. I like knowing I will graduate, that someone will want to hire me, that someone will marry me, that I will make a difference in someone's life.

OKay so here's what I want. I want to get a good enough job to make good enough money to do a field study in a different country and travel around. A third world country experience would be amazing. I want to leave here take pictures and play with kids. And then I want to come home and do the same thing. Take pictures and have kids. yes.

But instead I will be spending my weekend working at a job that gives me no money, studying for more exams. I just better not let this discourage me in my other areas. I tend to let one thing eat at me until I somehow let it through my system. I feed off of positive feedback. Negative feedback sucks, but it makes me want to do better, but positive feedback does the same thing in a nicer way.

O but it is Conference Weekend. Maybe I can change my negative attitude for it. yes. There's more to life than grades, boys who aren't there, and other failed attempts. maybe I'll squeeze in time for shopping. I need a black hoodie and Kohls just had there grand opening =)

I just want to know if I'm being a cop-out. Am I not living up to my best? Aiming for something higher in the business world that is. I know being a mother is essential and all, but should I aim for another purpose? Especially since the family part isn't momentarily foreseeable. There are women who do it. Work and raise a family. Work a "real" job. Please define that for me. I know, but what if I don't want to. Am i lazy? Am i afraid? this is my current battle of self. I know I know. we all want 20/20 vision. and sometimes the signs are just blurry.