Who Says We Can't Get Stoned OR in other words, Who Defines ME

I keep playing mind games with myself. All I've been after is something absolute in my life. I am not rejecting my beliefs as a daughter, sister, friend, and lds member. Word - I have no idea what I would do without these firm stakes on the back of a bronco we call life. However, it's this idea of something more, something different that is ever lingering from a string that keeps poking me in the back of the head. It's invisible. Even more irritating; I feel blind.

I shant say I'm undefined, I'm just walking a fine line between complete and utter aberration, and solitude. The solitude is just sitting behind a patronizing mountain, slap-faced winds, and a gusto sea of turbulent water. The life of a lone character walking a path that is sketched one pebble at a time. And what happens when this character has a long stride? She panics. And to top it all off, it's like a better/best game of several distractions. The world aint just black and white people, well established.

What defines me? Who defines me? Who says I can't get stoned? (not John Mayer) Myself and a little bit (but enough) of experience that says there is a path where we can optimize our potential. Along with the only person who can help a blind man see.

I just keep walking, I just keep talking, I just get back up and apologize or smile or cry or laugh. It's true when "they" told you not to grow up too fast. I wanted to though. I wanted to conquer it all and all on my own. I wanted to get out and be free. Freedom is a state of mind. Do I ever want to be completely free? Or do I just want the knowledge that I chose this life and can change it if I want to?

For too long have I remained bound by the expectations of others that I just forgot to think what works best for me. For too long have I held my tongue or retracted my hand from the teacher please-call-on-me position. For too long I have not realized the heart and mind of a girl who deserves a right to choose independently what she wants to convey to existence. I don't want you to take me the wrong way, but I am going to mean it when I say: I am someone who wants to love and be loved. This involves everything I am - and am not - but everything I could be.