Hello Dear

Here is the afterthought. I lick my lips almost like a nervous twitch. And I stutter when I have so many thoughts, yet no clear direction. I mumble when I don't feel like it's that important or just to hear what it sounds like aloud.

If I could tell you anything, it is that there has always been something about you that affects me. I plan on living in this dream until the choice of two nightmares is over and the figure of the imagined distance appears in the light. He is unmarked for sure. But there I must not doubt. It is probably I who is trying to catch up.

I like going back in time to the right events. (I still hate that there is not a delete button on others) But I jump back and forth between random memories that come to me in vivid color. I just remembered sneaking off to the docks of Switzerland to borrow free internet from the local cafe. It was dark and slightly unnerving, but I liked the risk, even as small as it might have been. Although the language was foreign, I was excited by the act of trying to belong, as if it was a secret that I was foreign. It's easier to be alone in a world that is new. It's worse to feel alone in a world you've known your whole life.

I also still remember the first day of basketball try outs my freshman year. I first walked outside to the track and saw the line of black girls all talking and I was super intimidated: I walked back to the main office to call my dad (my life before a cell phone). He told me it was my choice; I don't even know if he knew I was trying out. But I went back; I think someone came up to me and started talking to me. I then grew to love that team, hate the coaches, but love the team.

The future seems so foggy, sometimes memories entertain me for the lasting presence. When I let imagined conversations take over my day dream, I almost get annoyed at myself for being foolish. Let me tell you dear, you may not understand my past, although reverting back to memories may at times be diverting, it also closes up my heart and scares me. I close up the future when I let fear of the past take wind. I have to fight this natural instinct to run away, every day.

On the Swiss docks, I remained calm. I was alone, but I was okay with it.